We’d worked hard for honesty. I didn’t want fluffy promises that would never come to fruition. I didn’t want to pretend, but I didn’t want to let go just yet either. “I’m scared that this could fuck up a job I love. I’m scared Lance won’t be happy for us. I’m scared I’ll fuck up with you. Say the wrong thing. Hurt you. I’m not good at relationships in good conditions, so how am I going to handle navigating one with so much secrecy? And if this ends, are you going to stop talking to me? Because I don’t think I could handle not having you in my life at this point. You’re so refreshingly perfect for me, Blakely.”
That was a lot to digest, and I didn’t know where to start first. “As far as school, we will be careful. All interaction will be restricted to the loft. No lingering stares or public displays of sexual tension.”
“Have you seen us? We’re like burning ammonium dichromate! Impossible to ignore.”
“I love that you use obscure chemical reactions to describe our sex life,” I joked. “But really, we’ll be careful until graduation. And I can transfer out of your class.”
“Please don’t. I love seeing you every day,” he begged while kissing the back of my neck. My entire body settled. “Okay. So we hide this, then what?”
“Then I graduate. Then we slowly ease Lance into the idea that we like each other.”
“And what, just hide the fact that we’ve been secretly dating for a year?”
“Are we dating?” I felt like an immature child, begging to slap a label on this so it felt real.
“Yes. Exclusively. And Max is off-limits. Shit, I think he knows.”
My mouth dropped open in shock, and I turned to face Decker, he was rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers while looking thoroughly stressed. I wanted to kiss each fear away. “How?”
“You’re a chatty drunk.”
“Fuck.” I felt like burrowing under my blankets and never emerging again. Our relationship hadn’t even really begun, and I’d already ruined it. Maybe we couldn’t handle the secrecy. “I’ll transfer out of MAMS. I can go to the local high school and do my thing. Then we can let Lance know and not let this hang like a secret between us. Let’s be…honest.”
“MAMS is the best opportunity for you to get a scholarship, Blakely. I can’t let you do that.”
“Well, you’re the best opportunity I have at being happy, Decker.” It was the truth. I’d never felt this way before, and I wasn’t willing to give it up. “I can get straight A’s anywhere I go. I’m kind of brilliant.”
Decker burrowed his face in my neck and let out an annoyed groan. “This is infuriating,” his muffled voice rang out. “I don’t want you to give up on MAMS just yet. I don’t want to tell Lance just yet.”
I knew we had different reasons for not wanting to tell Lance yet. Decker was afraid of his reaction, but for me? I was worried that Decker would leave me just like everyone else and decide that this wasn’t worth the massive effort. Why upset my brother needlessly if this was going to end? “Then let’s just see how this plays out. Who knows, maybe you won’t like me anymore. Why uproot friendships and schools needlessly? We can play it cool. Be subtle and just go with the flow. No labels. No expectations. Just enjoying each other’s time and letting it grow from there.”
Decker’s eyes burned me up. He was taking in my words with gnashing teeth and an angry scowl. “That's not really going to work for me, Blakely,” he seethed before cupping my cheek. “I want the labels. I want expectations. I want this to feel permanent, because even though you’re probably assuming the worst in that beautiful, brilliant mind of yours, I’m not. I’m assuming that you’re it for me, and now I have to figure out how this is going to work.”
I swallowed. I wasn’t expecting such a heartfelt declaration, but my soul seemed to settle a bit at his words. “I want to figure it out, too,” I finally whispered.
“You know what I love about the scientific process?” Decker asked. It was so out of the blue that I felt emotional whiplash. One second he was declaring something that had me envisioning a future with him, and the next he was talking about school.
“No?” I wasn’t sure where he was going with this change in the conversation.