Do you think that I all along sought to trap you – to trap us both?”
“No, of course not, but . . .” His voice cracked as he spoke.
She closed her eyes. In the course of a few hours she had gone from understanding so little about her body to understanding so much. She fought the bitter taste in her mouth. She had never wanted to remember that night, but now she was forced to. “I have told you that I do not fully remember the night that – that it happened. It was so hot. I could not get my breath. And I was so thirsty. I kept drinking lemonade, but it seemed only to make it worse. Then I went out into the garden with – oh, that doesn’t matter.” Thinking about her innocent hopes and dreams on that night only made it worse. Some things were too painful to share. She pulled herself straighter against the pillows. “What is important is that I must have swooned from the heat. Then things are a blur until I awoke to find Clark yanking my bodice up. I felt so sick, I tried to run, but he held me firm.” Her voice caught and for a moment she was afraid she could not finish. “Even that is unclear.”
“I still do not understand. Surely you would know if. . .” His words trailed off and Marguerite felt the bed rise as Tristan stood.
“I thought I did. Everyone acted as if I had committed a great sin. What else was I to think? Nobody bothers to explain these things to girl. When Clark returned me to my mother she looked shocked at my disheveled appearance and we left immediately. It was only a matter of returning next door, to our own home. She said little and simply turned me over to the maid to be put to bed. I was too weary and confused to argue.”
“I still do not see how . . . .” Tristan sat on the bed again.
“I am getting to that. But notice even you do not say the words. I do not even know what the words are – marital intimacy, loss of virtue, seduction. These are the phrases I know and none describe what I thought happened to me. How was I to know anything when I was told nothing?” She yanked hard at the lace edging of the pillow. It was amazing it did not rip beneath her fingers. The words poured from her like bile. She needed to get them out before they ate her from within. “But let me finish my tale. The next morning, as soon as I had awoken and dressed, I was called downstairs. Clark sat in our parlor looking like it was his own. My mother left me alone with him. I sickened with the memory of what had happened. I could not look at him.
“He proposed and I declined. I could not bear the thought of those hands touching me again. I kept seeing them yanking at my gown, touching me where I had never been touched. He left after my refusal and I thought that was the end.
“But, he talked to Mama and soon I was trapped. She would not hear what I said. Clark had described a small mark on my breast, a mole in the shape of a butterfly.” Could one explode with fury? The more she talked the greater her anger grew. She had let others take over her life and this was the result. “In her eyes I had crossed a line and must pay the price. She was also delighted at the thought of my residing so close. She envisioned our life continuing as it always had, only I would have a respectable spouse.”
She stopped and stared ahead blankly. She fought the tears of anger and worthlessness that threatened to overwhelm her. Tristan leaned forward and laid his hand softly upon her back. Fury with him began to bubble. It was easier to blame him than her. If only he had listened to her none of this would have happened. Silence grew between them, then finally he spoke. “Forgive me, but I still do not understand why – ?”
“I thought I was with child?” She saw the question on his face and in that moment hated him and his gentleness with all her soul. “All I can say is I didn’t know – but even if I had known – all the