more than I’d told myself—and her—several times before. But for some reason hearing her say it to me—in that shaky, hurt voice, pierced me like an arrow.
If she had just hauled off and kicked me in the nuts straight out, I don’t think she could have delivered a lower blow.
Chapter 24
Katya
Lucas looked like I’d just punched him in the face. I had to admit, I kind of wanted to. Even though part of me kept scolding myself for being mad. It was an honest mistake. It still sucked to that he wouldn’t even consider finding a way to make it work.
Not that I could think of a solution right at this moment but damn. I didn’t think I was being that unreasonable by expecting him to at least try. He clearly didn’t want to try.
And sure it probably had something to do with my telling him I loved him yesterday. What had I been thinking, blurting it out like that? He’d probably been inwardly screaming since yesterday and counting the days until I moved out. Shit.
I’m not gonna cry. I won’t cry. I’m not gonna cry.
Lucas blinked and looked away, catching his breath, then seemed to come to some sort of decision. “I told you at the start. I reminded you in Napa. This always had—”
“An expiration date, yeah, I know. Looks like this marriage has aged like milk.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “About yesterday—”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about yesterday and neither do you. You’re too busy living out a self-fulfilling prophesy and I want no part of that.” He looked completely puzzled, so I l elaborated. “You’ve convinced yourself deep down that you were a crappy husband to Claire and thus you’ll be a crappy husband to anyone. That means you don’t even want to try.”
“I’m not going to deny that. I also told you that all along, too.”
I threw my hands out in frustration. “Lucas! You were nineteen years old--a kid. She expected you to take care of her, like a child. You weren’t her daddy, and you didn’t deserve that expectation put on you. You were still trying to figure out how to be an adult, start your college life and everything else.”
I took a deep breath to collect myself. My voice was getting louder, and I didn’t want to make this a shouting match. But damn this man and his stubbornness were frustrating me. “But you’re a grown man now. A self-made man who knows what he wants. You threw off all the trimmings and advantages that came with your family and childhood. You chose to make your own way, built a career and you’re succeeding. You’re not the same person who walked out on your first marriage. And I’m not your first wife. I’m a grown ass woman who doesn’t need or want some man to take care of me. I take care of myself.”
He opened his mouth to protest, but I held out a hand to stop him. I hadn’t yet said my piece.
“You’re a game tester, you know what a logic error in programming is. Well human brains get those, too. And you got a big logic error somewhere in your brain when you divorced Claire. You invented this belief that because of that one instance with that one woman, you couldn’t do it. Or you wouldn’t.”
He shook his head. “I’ve told you where that left me, where that failure, among all the other failures, had me on the floor. It took everything in me to pick myself up again. I just can’t risk doing that again.”
I shook my head sadly. “There are no guarantees in life, ever. You know that old saying, the only sure way never to win a game is to never play? This is you taking your ball and going home because you’re afraid.”
He gritted his teeth, speaking through them. “There’s nothing wrong with being afraid. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to disappoint the people you care about. I don’t want to disappoint you, and yet it’s inevitable. This whole situation is me disappointing you. See? Prophesy fulfilled.”
“Well, I’m afraid to go to Canada and face my family. But you know what? I’m going to do it. And now it looks like I’m going to have to do it alone. Fuck it. I’ll do it. I’m fucking terrified, but I’m doing it.”
He shook his head, watching me, true emotion crossing his features for the first time. I even thought I saw