as we enter Firs Blandon. There are garlands! And lanterns! The bastards!
‘Excuse me,’ I say to one of the men hanging garlands. ‘Who’s in charge, here?’
‘Take me to your leader!’ Basil barks from the back seat, making himself chuckle.
‘In charge?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, the chair of the parish council is …’
I wave him off. ‘But really though. Like, when someone starts parking a bit too near a junction or the pub starts charging an extra quid for fish and chips, who is it that gets things to go back to how they were?’
‘Oh, you mean Derek,’ the man says. ‘He’s down there, getting all the food stalls set up in the right spots.’
‘Thank you,’ I say, then let out a small shriek as Penelope puts her foot down again.
‘I’ve never trusted men called Derek,’ Penelope says rather mysteriously, as we come into view of Firs Blandon’s Main Street, now filled with all our food stalls.
‘You guys park up,’ I say, already pulling the passenger door open. ‘I’m going in.’
Derek is not difficult to spot. He is a man in his late sixties, wearing a very bright and entirely unnecessary yellow hard hat and brandishing a megaphone.
‘Right a bit! Left a bit! No left a bit! No left!’ he shouts into the megaphone.
‘Derek?’ I say pleasantly.
‘Yes?’ He barely glances around.
‘Leena Cotton,’ I say, stepping in front of him with my hand out. ‘Here representing Hamleigh-in-Harksdale.’
That gets his attention. ‘Didn’t take you long,’ he says, and there’s a little smirk on his face that really gets my blood boiling.
‘I have a very good driver,’ I say. ‘Is there somewhere we can talk?’
‘I’m rather in the middle of things,’ says Derek. ‘Got a May Day festival to organise, and all. I’m sure you can relate.’
‘Of course,’ I say, smiling. ‘I just wanted to say good luck to you.’
He blinks. ‘Ta, love,’ he says, that smirk widening. ‘But we don’t need luck. We’ve got the best food in Yorkshire served here today.’
‘Oh, I don’t mean good luck for today,’ I say, ‘I mean with the planning applications.’
Derek freezes. ‘What?’
‘Firs Blandon has some quite ambitious plans! That community hub on the edge of the village, you know, the one within the eyeline of several houses on Peewit Street in Hamleigh? It could be a wonderful addition to the local area, or, of course – depending on one’s viewpoint – it could be an eyesore with an adverse visual impact on the iconic landscape of the Dales.’
I now have Derek’s full attention.
‘Oh, Penelope, Basil, Arnold!’ I say, waving them over. ‘Do come and meet Derek. We’ll be seeing a lot more of him, now that we’ll all be taking a much more active interest in the planning applications coming out of Firs Blandon.’ I smile brightly at Derek. ‘Basil and Penelope and Arnold all have very strong opinions on local issues. Don’t you?’
‘I should say so!’ Basil says, puffing out his chest.
‘Always been very engaged in village business, me,’ says Arnold.
‘All I’m saying,’ Penelope says, with her gaze fixed on Derek, ‘is there’s something about the name Derek. Never met a Derek I’ve liked. Never.’
I smile brightly and take the megaphone from Derek’s unresisting hand.
‘Pack up, everybody!’ I yell into the megaphone. ‘We’re off back to Hamleigh-in-Harksdale.’
*
The food stalls return to Hamleigh with their tails between their wagon wheels. Penelope drives back with the carefree abandon of a seventeen-year-old boy, and somehow gets us to the village at the same time as the food stalls even though she takes us via Knargill to pick up Nicola on the way. When we drive past Firs Blandon’s May Day sign, Penelope swerves; I shriek, clinging to the door handle, as she clips the edge of the sandwich board and sends it toppling face down on to the verge.
‘Whoopsie!’ says Penelope.
‘Get that one too!’ says a trigger-happy Nicola, pointing to a sign for a farm shop further ahead.
As we approach Hamleigh, I figure I’ve just about got time to check the Portaloos have arrived before the drainage company get here to deal with the flooding. But when we pull up at the edge of the field assigned for food stalls, there’s a small crowd gathered around the entranceway, blocking our view. Penelope and I frown at each other; she parks on a verge and we get out. I move to help Nicola, but Basil is already there, offering his arm with positively medieval chivalry. Arnold gives Agatha a pat as he climbs out – he’s become very attached to my car since