the same for me. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I’m here to have a good time. I’m leaving my emotions out of it.”
I let that sink in for a few moments. She doesn’t put her emotions into it. She doesn’t feel it. She doesn’t let it. She’s just having a good time. Is that how Landon thinks? I know he’s messing around with Madison even if he says that he’s not. I know they’re still friends and they hang out a lot. I’ve even seen him countless times over the years flirting with other girls at parties while we were “taking a break.” I’ve watched him tease girls when he doesn’t know I’m in the same room as him. Hell, I’ve seen him kiss a girl or two right in front of me.
Does he leave his feelings out of it like Heather does? Does he numb himself with them? I know he doesn’t care about them. He sees right through them. I see it in his eyes. The only time he’s not looking through someone is when he’s with Madison and me. My stomach turns. My sister. It makes me sick to think that he can find comfort in her. He finds comfort in me too and he tells me it’s only ever me he feels but why can’t I be enough? Why can’t he just see me?
Fuck.
Why am I still with him? Why can’t I be strong enough to walk away? Hell, why can’t I turn my feelings off and just live my life the way he is?
“You okay?” Heather asks nudging me in the side.
I blink a few times clearing the tears away that were doing their damndest to form. “No. I’m never okay.”
Heather’s sad eyes meet mine. “He doesn’t know how lucky he is to have you, Mace.” Heather hugs me to her side. “I’ve told you before. Play a game he understands.”
“I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that,” I whisper and I’m not even sure she heard me with the cheers from the crowd.
“You are, Macy. You don’t see what I see. You’re stronger than most of us here.”
It’s then that I let a single tear fall. I don’t feel strong. I feel defeated. I feel sacked.
Heather and I don’t really talk the rest of the game but she finds little ways to comfort me. She knows I’m hurting. She knows that she opened up my eyes and I’m seeing things in a different light. I’m seeing things through the darkness. I’m seeing things that Landon sees. I’m caving. I’m locking my feelings away. It seems like it’s the only way.
Take what I have now or leave it.
I barely pay attention to the rest of the last quarter but the Ducks won sixty-two to thirty-eight.
Word travels around that there is a party at Tim’s house tonight. Heather and I walk back to our dorm after the game to change and get ready but my head is a mess and I need to clear it. When we get back to the dorms I feel like the walls are caving in around me.
“I’ll be back,” I say to Heather and slip my shoes on.
Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. She just got out of the shower and she’s standing in our room in a towel. “Are you going to the party?”
I nod because I know I will. “Yeah. I just need to clear my head.”
“Mace,” Heather whines.
“I’m fine. I promise. I just have to get some air.”
She sits on her bed, “I didn’t tell you that stuff earlier to fuck you up. I’m sorry I brought Landon into it.”
I shake my head. I’m not sorry she did. “It’s not that.” I open the door and step into the hallway before she can say anything else. I didn’t mean to make her feel like shit but now I’m confused.
After walking around for a while I head back to the dorms to get ready. I stayed out long enough that I knew Heather would be at the party by now.
I get dressed. Although I don’t even know why I’m really even going to this party. No, that’s not true. If Landon wants to mess around, why can’t I? Why can’t I turn my feelings off like he does? Like Madison does?
I decide to wear the short jean skirt that Landon loves and the flowing black, off the shoulder top and a pair of black boots. I sweep my hair up into a messy bun and leave a