stopped at making amends. You can’t trust what you’re feeling right now. Years of drinking have pickled your brain and left you stuck where you were when you were a kid.’ Or he might say that I’m like a lot of drunks, nostalgic for a sweet past I just imagine I lived.
“But Odette and Big Earl never led me wrong. And since I know the truth, I’m going to say it. That way I can go back over to the hospital and tell my friend that I did what she told me to do. And if that’s the last thing I get to tell her, I think I’ll be able to look back and not have any regrets. And believe me, I’ve learned about regret the hard way.”
At that moment, Barbara Jean felt that it wasn’t just Odette pushing her to talk. All of that ghost business must’ve gotten under her skin because the voices she had heard whispering in her ear from the time she walked into Chick’s office were louder now. The voices encouraged her. “Tell it, girl.” “Preach!” “Speak the truth and shame the devil.” And Barbara Jean would have sworn on that Bible in her library that had been her companion and nemesis for so many years that one of those voices was Big Earl’s.
She kept her eyes on Chick’s handsome face and said, “Ray, I loved you that day I kissed you that first time in the hallway at the All-You-Can-Eat and I’ve never stopped. I loved you when I was sober and when I was drunk. I loved you when I was young and still love you now that I’m old. I thought it would change, or I’d grow out of it one day. But all these years later, after all kinds of people and things have come and gone in my life, that one fact, foolish or not, hasn’t changed even the tiniest bit.”
She stopped and, except for the occasional chirp or caw from the birds, the room was quiet. There was really nothing more to say. She let out the breath that she hadn’t been aware she was holding.
While she talked, Chick had aimed his gaze downward and stared at the floor. Now he released her hands and slid his chair away from hers. As he got up and moved away from her, Barbara Jean told herself that it was fine, she was fine. She had done what she needed to do, what Odette had insisted she do. If it ended with this, with Chick stepping away from her, that was okay. At least this time they would part with the whole truth being the last thing spoken. What mattered was that she would know how the story ended, like Odette had said.
Barbara Jean lifted her eyes from the empty chair Chick had vacated. He had moved a few feet away and now stood just to the side of his desk. The afternoon sun blazing into the windows backlit him, turning him into a silhouette. She couldn’t see his face. But she heard his voice, strong and exquisitely out of tune, when he opened his mouth and started singing.
“My baby love to rock, my baby love to roll. What she do to me just soothe my soul. Ye-ye-yes, my baby love me …” He sang louder and louder, gyrating his hips and pivoting around until he was wiggling his narrow rear in her direction.
She heard herself let out a howl that had been waiting too, too long to come out. She applauded, clapping her hands together until they ached, as Ray Carlson, King of the Pretty White Boys, swayed in the sun and danced the blues.
Chapter 37
By the time Richmond brought me to the house in Leaning Tree, I was holding on to just a tattered corner of the world of the living. I had used up all of the energy I had left in me explaining to Richmond what I needed him to do, and I spent most of the drive from the hospital resting my head against the car window, watching the scenery go by.
Throughout that short ride, I kept picturing James and how he was going to react when he found out I’d run off the moment I got the chance. He’d be good and mad at first. He would ask Richmond why he helped me do this foolish thing and Richmond would shrug those big shoulders of his and say, “She told me to.” James would cuss, maybe