with plenty of hardship. Portrayed in a manner that a person would have to be a monster not to empathize with my plight. It was a beautiful explanation of hope and adversity.
“What do you think?”
I blinked up at him and smiled. “I think every time I read it, it gets better. This might actually work, and I’ll have you to thank.”
He smiled, his dimple flashing with a good amount of boyish charm. “You need my credit card?”
“You’re sure about this?” This was my only option, and I’d never be able to pay back the money.
His fingers softly brushed a strand of hair away from my face. “I’m sure.”
Gavin had become my one sanctuary. He knew what my life was like at home, had seen enough when Drew still lived here to know there was a reason each one of us counted down the days until we could leave.
Now, with just Kenny and me left, things were getting unbearable. Momma was drinkin’ all the time, and dinner was hardly ever defrosted, let alone hot.
Gavin fed me, watched TV with me, helped me with homework, he even … loved me. But neither of us ever breathed a word of such feelings out loud. I just knew it like I knew I’d never survive this place alone once he enlisted.
We filled out the application and attached the scholarship essay. He hesitated just before hitting send and glanced over his shoulder at me.
“You want to do the honors?”
I leaned over his arm and clicked. A swarm of hornets teased my insides as the computer made a little whoosh sound and the application was sent.
“Now, we wait.”
His head tilted, his cheek resting on my hip as we both stared at the “message sent” note on the screen. My fingers grazed the stubble of his jaw, and he sighed.
“You’ll get it. I feel it in my gut.”
I looked down at his face wondering where he found so much faith in me. I wasn’t anyone special. But for some reason, he always believed I was capable of great things, sometimes before I even knew I wanted them.
Sliding off the chair, he dropped to the floor and kneeled. I stepped back and looked down at him, noting the swollen bulge in his pants. He was the only one I’d ever been with, the only one I could imagine being with. And come April he’d be gone.
“What do you want?” I’d give him anything, but he didn’t want to know that. He liked to work for every concession, earn every ounce of praise. He’d make a great soldier.
His gaze remained cast toward the floor, his posture rigid, his arms behind his back and his shoulders lifting with labored breaths. “I want to touch you. Please you.”
I wasn’t sure what other people did, but this was all I knew. It was everything Gavin confessed to wanting, and his fantasies spoke to me the moment I first heard them. “Get on the bed.”
He climbed onto the mattress and rolled to his back, crossing his hands over his head where a pair of leather studded cuffs draped. He never touched me first. Everything was my choice, and he only put his hands on me if I commanded it. I went to the drawer where he kept his other toys.
He was, without a doubt, the safest person I had in my life, and it pained me to imagine him leaving, which was why I had to get the hell out of there, too. “Do you want pain?”
He sucked in a sharp breath, the sound full of palpable anticipation. “Yes, please.”
I wasn’t gentle with him, and he preferred I not be. Gavin had his own difficult demons to overcome. He sometimes said the only way to numb the pain of his past was to create pain in the present. I got that. For me, the only way to escape the uncertainty of my present was to take control of the now. Gavin gave me control, and I was addicted to the rush that came with his surrender.
If there was something broken in us, we fixed it for each other. “Spread your legs.”
* * *
My gaze lifted to the ceiling as a tear rolled from my eye, the memories fading the way precious love letters become more tattered each time they’re reread. Gavin died in action the November after he enlisted and I rarely let myself think of him.
We made a promise the day he left. We were both getting out of Blackwater, and neither