had a medical condition. And it took me a moment to answer them, because at first I didn’t know who or where I was.” She took a deep breath. “But then, after a few seconds, everything came back to me.”
“Does it make you uncomfortable, thinking back to that experience?”
“Of course,” Victoria said, thinking this would be self-evident.
“In what way?” he asked.
“For starters, it was embarrassing, lying there on the floor like that. And scary. Like I said, I’ve never blacked out before. But I understand why it happened. My heart rate was escalated, I had a decreased oxygen intake, and I was under intense emotional stress.”
Dr. Metzel’s lips curved. “Somebody’s been doing some research.”
Heck, yes, she’d done her research. And she’d also quickly learned that looking up symptoms on the Internet was the quickest way to convince herself that she had every medical condition in existence. “Logically, I understand that I fainted during the break-in because of the extreme circumstances.”
He waited. “But . . . ?”
“But ever since that incident, occasionally I’ll find myself in some sort of situation—a normal situation—and I’ll start to worry about having another panic attack.”
Dr. Metzel wrote something on his notepad and then looked up. “Can you give me an example?”
She nodded. “So the first time it happened, I was riding the subway, heading home from work. The subway was packed, and it was warm and stuffy. You know how it gets. And the stuffy air reminded me of that night in my closet when I fainted, and, thinking back to that, I suddenly began to feel . . . off.”
“Off in what way?”
“Nervous. Dizzy. My heart started racing, like the time in the closet.”
“What was going through your head during that moment? Do you remember what you were thinking?”
“I was thinking that there had to be at least twenty people between me and the exit door, and that if I did have another panic attack right there on the train, it was going to cause a huge scene.”
More note taking.
“So what did you do?” Dr. Metzel asked.
Victoria shrugged. “I basically said, ‘Screw it.’ At the next stop, I bulldozed my way to the door, got off the train, and took a cab the rest of the way home.”
“Have you ridden the subway since then?”
She tried to downplay this with a smile. “A nice air-conditioned cab ride home isn’t all that expensive. I figured why bother with the subway while it’s so hot?”
From the way Dr. Metzel furiously scribbled something down on his notepad, she had a feeling she’d failed that question.
Crap.
She shifted uneasily in her chair, not enjoying the feeling of being so . . . scrutinized.
“Any other incidents?” Dr. Metzel asked.
“Well, I also walked out of an exercise class the other day.” She blushed, a little embarrassed to admit these things. Not to toot her own horn or anything, but as a lawyer, she had a reputation for being fearless and tenacious in the courtroom. Heck, she’d been called a “ballbuster” by more than one irritated male opposing counsel. Yet here she sat, admitting she couldn’t ride the subway or take an exercise class.
Dr. Metzel cocked his head. “What happened in the exercise class?”
She shrugged. “Basically the same thing that happened in the subway. About twenty minutes in, I noticed how hot the room was getting and everything just spiraled from there. I kept thinking, ‘Uh-oh, am I feeling a little light-headed?’ And, ‘Oh, crap, what if I faint in the middle of this class, because that’s going to look really weird and cause a scene.’ That kind of thing.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Have you been back to the exercise class since that experience?”
“If I say no, are you going to start scribbling on your notepad again?”
Indeed, apparently he was.
When Dr. Metzel was done writing, he looked at her. “What if you had fainted? Dropped right there in the middle of the class and everyone saw. Would that be such a terrible thing?”
Victoria shuddered at the mere thought. “I don’t think anyone wants to cause a scene like that, do they?”
He acknowledged this with a nod. “Probably not. But I notice that you keep talking about ‘causing a scene’ and looking ‘weird.’ Is that something you consider important, how other people view you?”
Well.
That seemed like a bit of a loaded question.
“Um . . . maybe, I guess,” she said, not sure how this particular line of questioning was relevant.
“Can you expand on that?” Dr. Metzel asked.
Do I have to? “I suppose I try