a movie at your house this weekend. It’s kind of rude to make you come to me all the time.”
“I prefer to come to you,” I said.
“But I want to!”
“No, you really don’t. Andrew has gone utterly psycho, and he might kill us both if you come over,” I laughed.
“Really?” Aleah said, eyes wide. “But he’s so cute!”
“No! He’s a pyromaniac, and I don’t even know what horror he’s capable of!”
“You’re funny,” Aleah giggled.
Hilarious.
***
When I got home, Jerri was out of the house for maybe the second time in a week. She was covered head to toe (hat, sunglasses, long-sleeved T-shirt, jeans, socks) lying on a lawn chair in the yard, about ten feet away from the scorched fire pit. Next to her was the giant weed-infested jungle garden. The thistles were five feet tall. Other weeds climbed the thistles, flowering, shading all the vegetables below. But really, at least she was out of the house. I stood looking at her for like a minute but didn’t speak to her. She was so still.
In the house, I found Andrew rifling through the rock CDs in my room. He was wearing a pair of black trousers (I can only describe them as trousers) and a black T-shirt with a skull and crossbones on it. I grabbed his arm and squeezed, “What do you think you’re doing, you jerk?”
He pulled his arm away and glared at me.
“Taking Dad’s CDs,” he said.
“You midget pirate,” I shouted. “Drop ’em!”
“Eat crap,” he shouted, then pushed past me carrying my CDs.
“Goddamn it! Bring those back,” I shouted.
Andrew didn’t respond.
I could’ve stopped Andrew. Easily. But I didn’t.
The voice in my head said: Be careful. Be careful. You could kill him.
I wanted to wrap my hands around his throat and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze.
I changed clothes, left the house, and walked to the road, where Cody picked me up.
Even though Andrew dressed like a pirate and cooked hot dogs on a fire fueled by his own socks, I didn’t find Andrew funny.
***
When I came home from lifting weights two hours later, Jerri was still in the yard in the same place as she was when Cody picked me up.
“Your mom still resting?” Cody asked, dropping me off.
“She probably did a lot of work while we were gone,” I said.
“Didn’t mow the lawn, did she?”
“Ha ha ha. No.”
While I lifted, Andrew’s piracy had sapped all my energy. What was happening to him? He scared me. I couldn’t concentrate.
As Cody pulled away, I decided to seriously address the Andrew situation with Jerri. She’s his mother after all. I walked up to her.
Jerri stirred as I approached.
“What now?” she said.
“What now?” I asked.
“What. Now,” Jerri spat.
“Andrew stole Dad’s CDs out of my room,” I told her.
“He took my wallet yesterday,” Jerri mumbled.
“We’ve got problems.”
“Yes.”
“What are we going to do?” I asked.
“Me? Nothing,” Jerri said.
“You have to,” I said.
“No,” she said.
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m just a small part of a much larger problem. Remember when you said that, Felton?”
Yes, I remembered saying that. It was part of the conversation a few weeks earlier that ended with her calling me an f-bomber. That wasn’t what I was talking about.
“Jerri, you’re his mom. You have to do something.”
“You’re his son. What are you going to do?” she hissed.
“Andrew’s son?”
“Shut up, Felton.”
“What do you mean?”
“Shut up.”
“Your stupid kid is turning into a disaster and a pirate, and you have to do something, Jerri,” I shouted.
“Maybe I’d rather my kid turn into a pirate than a damn tennis player.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Shut up, Felton.”
“Mom.”
“Go away. I have to weed the garden,” she trailed off.
I started shaking.
“You can’t do that on your fat ass, Jerri,” I shouted.
“Shut up, asshole. Shut up!” Jerri screamed, struggling to sit up.
I turned and ran to the garage. I grabbed my bike and biked so fast. I tore up the hill.
Comedy, it seems, is a lot about situation and who you like and don’t like. Sometimes, midget pirates who cook hot dogs on their burning socks aren’t funny.
CHAPTER 27: 4:38 A.M.
Why in the hell am I doing this tonight?
I can’t help it.
But I should be happy and asleep, letting my beat-up body heal.
I don’t like dark tales. I like funny stuff. Gus says funny stuff is always dark.
Is this funny?
Here’s that to-do list again:
Lift weights with Cody.
Get driver’s license.
Consider giving up comedy, as comedy isn’t even funny anymore.
Stop talking to Jerri and Andrew.
I definitely did number one. I considered number three a lot (I still am, except I do