of gratitude. Then he stills, pumping into me. His forehead comes to mine as he squeezes my fingers until I lose circulation. We remain joined as he rides out his own release. His body stays tense, keeping some of his weight off me until he can’t balance any longer. He collapses briefly over me, breathing into my neck, inhaling my sleep and sex scent. A soft kiss comes to my lips, and tears fill my eyes. A sudden sense of ending slips down my body like a silk cloth falling to expose my raw skin.
“Let’s go to bed,” Jake mutters, pressing up over me like he isn’t exhausted or distraught. He slips out of me quickly and stands, lowering a hand for mine to pull me upward. Silently, I follow him to my room, walking naked through the house until we reach my bed and fall into one another once more.
24
Rita
After our second round, we lay as we did on the couch, only with a little more room in my bed. Jake sprawls over me. Head above my breast. Arm over my waist. One leg trapped between mine. He dozes, as do I, but I can’t quite sleep. My mind races with options for Jake and his brother. Will Nolan turn himself in? Can Jake be set free from his sentence? Most of all, can he ever forgive his brother?
I honestly don’t know how to feel about Nolan. I want to be sympathetic to his condition and his fate, brought on by his own reckless actions. On the other hand, Nolan’s thoughtlessness for the safety of others, including the fact other firemen could have been harmed or died in any of the blazes he set, feels unforgivable. Once again, I call up what I’ve learned within AA. There are things I can change and things I cannot. I need to use wisdom to know the difference, not judgment or prejudice. Forgiveness for Nolan would take time if he were my brother. I wonder as I have in the past if there are circumstances that are beyond forgiveness. Has Jake reached his limit?
He stirs over me, rubbing his nose against my chest as he did earlier. I smile to myself as I stroke my hands over his head and down his neck, smoothing my palm along the firm skin of his back. His body is a wonderland, firm and tight. He’s so different from what I’ve experienced before. I lean forward to press a kiss to the top of his head, and Jake stiffens. The final sensation from earlier returns, and my shoulders tense.
Jake places a hand on my belly, covered by the sheet. The heat of our naked bodies has kept us together for the remainder of the night.
“I need to go,” Jake whispers, fisting the material over my stomach as he speaks to my lower body. My head shifts on the pillow, glancing toward the window where the dawn of a new day is slowly filling the sky with pinks and yellows.
“It’s still early. You could stay.” Where will he go? Would he return home? Is he prepared to face Nolan?
“No, sweet. I mean, I don’t think I can stay in Vermont.”
My head shifts again on the pillow, and I gently curl my fingers into his hair, tugging his head upright. His eyes struggle to meet mine.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m done here. If I ride out my sentence, there’s nothing left for me here.” The comment stings.
Slowly, I remove my fingers from his hair and swallow the thick lump in my throat.
“What will you do about Nolan?”
“What can I do? I can’t turn in my own brother. I can’t do that to him.” His eyes finally seek mine, but I can’t look at him. Will he really leave? What about me? What are we? What is he doing with me if he only plans to walk away?
And what about his brother? Nolan cannot just walk free, not that he can walk. He isn’t even free, either. He’s been carrying this burden in him. Or maybe it wasn’t a burden after all. Nolan had certainly made up his mind how things would play out. No one would get caught, and when Jake did, he assumed Jake would not be found guilty. But he was, and then he was sentenced to prison in Nolan’s stead.
“Don’t look like that, sweet.”
“How am I supposed to look?” I snap, struggling to keep my emotions in check. I’m angry—angry like I haven’t been in a