he’s telling the truth, but something’s holding me back.
“I love you, Alice,” he says. It’s his last attempt.
“I love you, too,” I say quietly. “I’m sorry. But I just can’t.”
Tears cloud my eyes. A large one breaks free and rolls down my cheek. My throat aches from sorrow.
4
It’s finals week. Where did the time go? Halloween and Thanksgiving were a blur. I went home for Thanksgiving, but I hardly remember any of it. Thankfully, my finals are spread out and aren’t stacked up like Dylan’s and Hudson’s. I don’t have any double final days and have at least a day to study for the next one. It could be worse, of course, but it could also be better. I look at Juliet. She’s practicing breathing for her breathing class. I wish I had a breathing test instead of three final papers.
I haven’t talked to Hudson for a couple days except for a brief, “Hello, how are you?” The more time goes by, the stronger I feel that my decision is the right one. I can’t even begin to express how nice it was to be with him again, but life isn’t just about what happens in bed. It’s more than that and despite what he says, I’m not entirely sure this isn’t some sort of freaking out moment for him. Maybe he took the breakup with Tea harder than he’d thought. Maybe he’s upset about losing all that money. Either way, he’s not in the right state of mind to make a decision as big as this one. I’m sure he’s just confused. I’m pretty sure. Then that voice in the back of my head stirs up. I don’t want to hear it but it’s there. What if he’s right? What if he just wants to be with me and all those other things just happened to happen at the same time?
American Lit is my first final of the year. Many people finish early, but I write practically every thought I have in the little blue notebook. I write until my hand cramps, un-cramps, and cramps again. I go through two notebooks, but finally get every last bit of knowledge that I have about The Invisible Man, To Kill a Mockingbird, and Catcher in the Rye onto paper. Tea and I are the last people to finish. I follow her out of the classroom. She looks tired and worn out. It’s the first day of finals. I haven’t looked at myself in the mirror, but I know that she looks a lot better than I do. She’s at least wearing jeans and a proper sweater. Whilst I’m dressed in the same sweats that I’ve slept in.
“How do you think that went?” I ask.
“As best as it could’ve.” She gives me a weak smile.
“Yeah, I feel the same way,” I commiserate with her.
“Hey, listen, I heard about you and Hudson. Are you okay?” I ask.
“I’m fine.” She nods. “He just wasn’t all there. I don’t think we were ever right for each other.”
“Are you sure?” I ask. I’m trying to find out what happened. As if more details are going to give me a better understanding about my own decision.
“Yeah.” She shrugs. “He never really wanted to be with me. He said that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I should’ve listened to him. He was telling the truth. I just couldn’t see it.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. It’s the only thing I can say.
“It’s okay. We weren’t meant to be. You know what’s funny? After it was over, after I broke up with him, I thought I would feel terrible, but I didn’t. I felt relieved. So, I guess that was the right decision.”
“Yeah, seems like it.”
We say our goodbyes. Give each other a warm hug.
“Have a wonderful Christmas,” she says.
“You, too,” I say. “And don’t forget to let me read your book when you’re done. I know it’s going to be amazing.”
“You’ll be the first.” Tea smiles.
When I get back to my room, all I want to do is plop down on the bed and listen to an unhealthy amount of Adele. Someone on our floor is blasting Christmas music, and though I hate to admit it, it puts me in the holiday spirit. I only have two more finals. Then I’m done. First semester of college finished. I can’t wait to be free.
I grab a can of soda out of the refrigerator before heading to my room. I’m about to walk in when something on the dry erase board