he must have been mistaken and you were here already, so he said he’d pop over later. Honestly, the shifts must be taking it out of him. I heard a thing on the radio where they said working nights can be awful bad for your brain. You might want to tell him.’
‘What – when’s he coming?’
Mum glanced at the clock. ‘Um … I think he said he was finishing mid-afternoon and he’d head over afterwards. All that way on Christmas Day! Here, have you met Treena’s fellow yet? Have you noticed the way she’s dressing these days?’ She glanced behind her at the door and her voice was full of wonder. ‘It’s almost like she’s becoming a normal person.’
I sat through Christmas lunch on high alert, outwardly calm but flinching every time someone passed our door. Every bite of my mother’s cooking turned to powder in my mouth. Every bad cracker joke my father read out went straight over my head. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t hear, couldn’t feel. I was locked in a bell jar of miserable anticipation. I glanced at Treena but she seemed preoccupied too, and I realized she was waiting on Eddie’s arrival. How hard could it be? I thought, grimly. At least her boyfriend wasn’t cheating on her. At least he wanted to be with her.
It began to rain, and the drops spat meanly on the windows, the sky darkening to fit my mood. Our little house, strung with tinsel and glitter-strewn greetings cards, shrank around us, and I felt alternately as if I couldn’t breathe in it and terrified of anything that lay beyond it. Occasionally I saw Mum’s eyes slide towards me, as if she was wondering what was going on, but she didn’t say anything and I didn’t volunteer it.
I helped clear the dishes and chatted – I thought convincingly – about the joys of grocery delivery in New York, and finally the doorbell went and my legs turned to jelly.
Mum turned to look at me. ‘Are you okay, Louisa? You’ve gone quite pale.’
‘I’ll tell you later, Mum.’
My mother stared at me hard, then her face softened. ‘I’ll be here.’ She reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. ‘Whatever this is all about, I’ll be here.’
Sam stood on the front step in a soft cobalt jumper I hadn’t seen before. I wondered who had given it to him. He gave me a half-smile but didn’t stoop to kiss me, or throw his arms around me like in our previous meetings. We gazed warily at each other.
‘Do you want to come in?’ My voice sounded oddly formal.
‘Thanks.’
I walked in front of him down the narrow corridor, waited while he greeted my parents through the living-room door, then led him into the kitchen, closing the door behind us. I felt acutely aware of his presence, as if we were both mildly electrified.
‘Would you like some tea?’
‘Sure … Nice jumper.’
‘Oh … Thanks.’
‘You’ve … left your nose on.’
‘Right.’ I reached down and turned it off, not willing to indulge anything that might soften the mood between us.
He sat down at the table, his body somehow too big for our kitchen chairs, his eyes still on me, and clasped his hands on its surface, like someone awaiting a job interview. In the living room I could hear Dad laughing at some film, and Thom’s shrill voice demanding to know what was funny. I busied myself making tea but I could feel his eyes burning into my back the whole time.
‘So,’ Sam said, when I handed him a mug and sat down, ‘you’re here.’
I nearly buckled then. I looked across the table at his handsome face, at the broad shoulders and the hands wrapped gently around the mug and a thought popped into my head: I cannot bear it if he leaves me.
But then I found myself standing again on that chilly step, her slim fingers on his neck, my feet icy in my wet shoes, and I grew cold again.
‘I got back two days ago,’ I said.
The briefest of pauses. ‘Okay.’
‘I thought I’d come and surprise you. Thursday evening.’ I scratched at a mark on the tablecloth. ‘Turns out it was me who got the surprise.’
I watched realization dawn slowly across his face: his slight frown, his eyes growing distant, then their faint closure when he grasped what I might have seen. ‘Lou, I don’t know what you saw, but –’
‘But what? “It’s not what you think”?’
‘Well, it is and it isn’t.’
It was like