Ohmygod. I hate rabbits.
And I feel ill and furious, but there’s no way I’m stopping now. It’s masochism. There’s a weird, out-of-place flashback to Josh getting his tattoo. It doesn’t make sense. But it’s probably because he was so eager to draw more na**d pictures of his girlfriend that he figured the story of his own body modification could wait. Or whatever. I grab the next stack of pages from the box and realize, at some point, that I’ve pushed his T-shirt onto my floor. I don’t pick it up.
Finally, Josh and Rashmi are fighting. And it’s nasty. She’s pissed because he’s skipping school, and he lashes back at her in full force. I relish his anger. And I feel vindicated because I never yelled at him for skipping class to work on this book. Though maybe I would’ve if I’d known what was in here. But then the school year ends, and he flies out to join her family at their vacation home in Delhi.
He once told me that he’d spent “some time” with her family one summer, but…an entire month? In India? No wonder he knew so much about Sanjita. Somehow, the idea of Josh spending an entire month with the Devi family hurts almost as much as the rabbit.
JUNIOR begins without any mention of Josh’s time in New York. His parents were everywhere in the beginning, but they’ve almost entirely disappeared. It’s a strange omission.
School kicks off, and St. Clair moons over Ellie’s absence, even though she’s attending a college nearby. Anna shows up. I remember watching her in the cafeteria that first week of school, seething with jealousy because she made the leap to their table so effortlessly. I wanted her luck. I wanted her confidence.
And then, suddenly, Josh is alone.
St. Clair gets a crush on Anna. He’s torn between her and Ellie, and he spends so much time running between them that he hardly has time left for Josh. And the more time that Josh spends alone, the more he realizes how alone he actually is. All of his friends will be gone the next year. Josh grows increasingly antagonistic towards school, which makes Rashmi increasingly antagonistic towards him, which makes him increasingly antagonistic towards her. And she’s upset because Ellie dropped her as a friend, and Meredith is upset because now St. Clair likes two girls who aren’t her, and Anna is upset because St. Clair is leading her on, and then St. Clair’s mom gets cancer.
It’s a freaking soap opera.
As the drama between his friends grows, Josh pulls away and into himself. His illustrations become darker. The slack-jawed freshman is long gone, the oversexed sophomore has disappeared, and now he’s a sullen junior. His parents briefly, randomly, appear to hassle him about the election. He wants to break up with Rashmi, but he’s too depressed to find the energy. He stops drawing and skips class to sleep. The head of school – having called him into her office for the hundredth time – tells him, “I think you’re passively trying to get me to kick you out. So I’m not going to.”
I’ve never thought about their actual interactions. I’m shocked as the head pulls out his records and informs him that he had the highest pre-acceptance test scores that she’d seen in years. He’s the brightest student in our class.
Josh is the brightest student. Not me.
I’m ashamed to admit that this hurts. It definitely hurts. And yet…I’ve always known it to be true. I’ve always known that he’s been putting on an act. That he can see through the bullshit, and he’s not willing to participate in it. It’s one of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place.
“For a certain type of person, high school will always be brutal,” the head says. “The best advice that I can give you is to figure out what comes next, and work towards that.”
The following scene shows him in detention. My skin flushes when I see him hunched over in the back corner of the classroom beside the window overlooking the courtyard with the pigeons.
I have been sitting at his desk. I knew it. Somehow, I knew it.
Josh throws himself back into his work. He wants to lose himself in it…and maybe find himself in return. But when St. Clair breaks up with Ellie, St. Clair’s new-found joy with Anna only further cements Josh in solitary misery. And by the time Josh and Rashmi break up, they both know it’s coming, and they’re both ready. They’re exhausted. Too tired to keep fighting. He begins travelling to other countries every weekend – in secret and alone – separating himself from his friends before they can do it to him.
And then it’s summer. Our summer.
My heart is hammering as I grab the last stack from the box. On the first page, he’s alone inside Kismet. And then I’m on the second, shouting his name and startling him out of a waking slumber. There’s a dreamlike tone here. It mirrors both how I acted and how he reacted. I cringe at everything I say, but the way he draws me is like a beacon of light.
There’s a flashback to our freshman year, and his brushstrokes become softer. He sees me reading Joann Sfar. He tries to talk to me, but he’s a bumbling idiot. And then I’m the one who gives him a crazy look.
The story returns to Kismet. Josh realizes that I’m flirting with him, which he finds puzzling and hilarious. But also pleasing. He walks me to my door and then hurries home to draw me again – the garden-rose-halo illustration – before falling asleep. The next night, he returns to the café and discovers me with Kurt. He curses, drags himself home, and then he’s back in DC, where he spends a miserable summer dreading his senior year.
The last few pages are loose, rough sketches of his first day of school. Hard to follow. His interactions with me are flattering, but the messy panels make it feel less concrete. Like the ideas inside of them are still subject to change.
And then…I’m out of pages. The box is empty.
Chapter twenty-three
I’m filled with too many strong emotions at once. Jealousy. Sadness. Anger. There’s certainly an acknowledgement, though it’s unreasonably begrudging, of the fearlessness it took for him to create this, but the negative thoughts keep shoving their way to the top. They sour the positive. I thought I knew my boyfriend, but it turns out that I had only an out-of-focus snapshot. Now I have the full picture.
Josh had…this entire life before me.
How can something so obvious be so shocking?
And Rashmi. I knew she’d be in there, but how could I know all of her would be in there? I didn’t want to see her. With Josh. Like that. It’s not fair that I’ve seen it, because I’ll never be able to un-see it.
I kick at my sheets. I’m thinking about rabbits. I’m thinking about too-tall French girls. I’m thinking about Josh thumbing his nose at an education that I’ve chosen to take seriously. It’s never bothered me before. Why is it bothering me now? I toss and turn for hours until I’m jolted awake – out of a restless sleep I didn’t even know I’d succumbed to – by a flying leap. An oddly fuzzy sister is bouncing up and down on my bed.
“Wake up!” Gen bounces the bed harder. “Hattie and I are already dressed and coffee’d. Those balloons won’t make fun of themselves.”