up again. Over the days that had passed since that argument, I also stopped drinking coffee in the morning because the smell woke him up. I stopped getting dressed in our bedroom because the noise woke him up. Doing anything I could to not accidentally wake him up, like waiting in my car while it warmed up. If the weekends were a judge, Jon didn’t wake up in the morning until after ten. I was fine with this if he was still trying to get another job. In the beginning when I got home from work, Jon would excitedly tell me about all of the places he had applied. When that stopped, I made the mistake of asking him one day.
Jon railed at me, asking me if I thought he just laid around on his ass all day and did nothing. Did I comprehend how tight and difficult the job market currently was? I must have thought so very little of him to assume all of these horrible things of him. I had tried to explain I thought none of those things, and of course I knew the job market was tight and was only asking a question. It seemed anything I said after that was being twisted around as though I was making a cruel attack on him. I began to doubt myself, wondering if I was so awful and if he would leave me.
That thought horrified me. I loved Jon so much, and we had been through so much together. What I wanted more than anything else was to just go back to how we were when we were happy. I knew that if Jon had a job again things would be better. I just didn’t know how to convince him to look for one without seeming pushy or judgmental.
Suddenly, I have a wonderful idea. What if I begin applying to places for him? That way he'd be happy when he got an interview and never even know to be upset if he didn’t get called back. At my office we get the daily paper. I could check the wanted ads on my lunch breaks.
Having a plan makes me feel better, I just don’t know what to do about the rest of this weekend. I know I should put away the clothes but what after that? Should I stay in the bedroom, away from him? I end up not having to find out. As I am hanging up the last of his shirts I hear the front door shut. Peering through the cracked bedroom door down the hall to the front room, I can see my keys are gone. Jon has gone somewhere. It’s starting to annoy me that he keeps taking my car without even asking, and I am curious about where he is going or what he is doing. His comments about me cheating on him seemed so outlandish at the time. Could Jon have just been feeling guilt over something he was doing himself?
I spend the rest of the day nervously waiting for Jon to come home. I go back and forth between being concerned over him to wondering where he is. I also tidy up the best I can. If Jon came home, he would be able to see that I had been cleaning and not just lying about. I hope that shows him how hard I am willing to work to make our home a nice place, comfortable for the two of us. I believe more than anything else that this is only temporary. I have such a perfect picture of what was once in my head that I would do anything to make it reality again. Before I go to bed I pray. I have never been overly religious. I was raised Catholic but don’t attend mass anymore. I do believe that there is something out there, some being that possibly had the power to make things better.
I never pray in front of Jon. He would want to know what I’m praying about and would most likely be angry if I told him. My prayers this evening revolve around finding Jon a new job and the hope that he will not be angry when he finds out about it. He is so touchy these days, I am nervous he would consider it a slight. At this point, anything is better than how we are currently living.
I go to sleep. At some point during the night, Jon comes home. It does not wake