St Matthew's Passion - By Sam Archer Page 0,42
the weariness of knowing that she was going to have to have this conversation with countless people in the next few days, and a desire to explain her actions to Emma, who was after all a friend. ‘You probably know why I’m doing it.’
‘Is it because of Fin? Has he hurt you in some way?’ Emma put a hand to her mouth. ‘Oh my God. He hasn’t got you –’
Melissa laughed despite herself, waved her hand. ‘No, nothing like that. And he hasn’t hurt me either. Not really.’ That was a lie and she knew it. ‘I just can’t work alongside him any more. People are talking. I’m being driven slowly round the bend. It’s not good for anyone, my being here.’
‘It’s good for me,’ Emma said quietly. ‘What am I going to do, the only girl here? They’ll eat me alive.’
‘You’ll be fine,’ smiled Melissa. ‘But I will miss you. All of you.’
Emma was silent for a moment, looking down. Then she said: ‘I take it there’s no point in asking if you’ve thought this through?’
‘I’ve thought about nothing else for the last twenty-four hours.’
‘What will you do?’
They talked for a good twenty minutes, about alternative training schemes, job opportunities. To Melissa’s surprise Emma didn’t try any further to argue her out of her decision, and in a way she was relieved: it was as if Emma understood her reasons and respected them, even if she didn’t agree.
At last Emma said, ‘Have you told Fin yet?’
Melissa hadn’t, and felt guilty about it. By rights he should have been the first person she told. He was her immediate boss. Professor Penney was head of the department and it was to him she’d addressed her letter of resignation. But according to protocol, and out of simple courtesy, she ought to have approached Fin first.
She hadn’t, because he’d been at a conference that morning, away from the hospital, and she didn’t want to delay setting the process in motion in case she had a chance to reconsider and get cold feet; so she’d cornered the professor in his office before his morning rounds. Melissa knew there was another reason, however, and that was plain cowardice. She was dreading telling Fin, seeing the look on his face, and what was more she didn’t know if she’d falter at the last moment. At least now she’d made it official with Professor Penney so there was no turning back when she did speak to Fin.
Before Melissa could reply to Emma, a familiar voice behind her said: ‘Told me what?’
Emma stared over Melissa’s shoulder, her expression frozen. Melissa looked round and saw Fin, lunch tray in his hands, approaching. His look was wide-eyed, innocent, curious. He couldn’t have heard the news, then.
Fin hovered by the table, seeming aware of the silence that had fallen. ‘I was going to ask if I could sit down… but if this is a private conversation, I don’t want to disturb you.’
He hadn’t sat and eaten with Melissa, just the two of them, since before Christmas. Obviously Emma’s presence, a third party, made him feel more comfortable.
Emma started to say, ‘I’ll go –’ but Melissa motioned her to stay seated.
‘You might as well stay.’ She nodded at Fin. ‘Please, join us.’
Glancing from one woman to the other, he drew up a chair and sat.
Melissa said, ‘Fin, I’m leaving the job.’
His face, normally so expressive, went utterly still. Masklike, even.
‘Leaving.’
‘Yes. I’ve handed in my resignation this morning.’
He took in a long breath, expelled it.
‘Melissa –’
Emma stood this time. ‘I’m out of here. I have to get back to the wards.’ Before Melissa could protest, her eyes shooting daggers at her friend, Emma was heading off across the canteen.
Fin changed seats so that he was opposite Melissa. Now the mask had slipped, and although the rest of his face remained impassive, in his eyes she saw naked anguish.
‘Melissa, you don’t have to do this.’
‘But I do, Fin. You know it’s for the best.’
‘It’s because of me, isn’t it.’
‘It’s because of us. Neither of us will be happy if I stay. Not in the long run.’
His eyes never left hers, and he barely blinked. ‘Is there anything I can do to persuade you otherwise?’
‘Are you willing to reconsider? About us? Could we be together?’
She saw a slight clenching in his jaw muscles as he struggled with something that threatened to rise to the surface.
‘It’s… not possible, Melissa. As I said before.’
‘Then there really isn’t any more to say.’ Her voice was gentle, surprising her.