she couldn’t. She couldn’t love my child. Watching her struggle makes my chest ache and I want to go to both of them, wrap them in my arms, and never let either one leave me.
“How about some lemonade?” Emily interjects, quickly changing the topic and offering Katie a weak smile. She swipes under her eye and then unfolds her legs to stand. Before she does, she presses a kiss to Katie’s hair and then pushes herself upright and walks to the house with hurried steps. Katie’s eyes follow Emily, and I don’t know who to go to first.
I pick Katie. I always need to pick my daughter first, and I ask her to show me the book and her pictures, and then ask her if she understands what Emily said about people dying and how Emily was correct, it won’t be the same thing when she leaves. We can think about her and talk about her every day, although the talking part I know won’t happen. Even I’ll be silent and grumpy when she goes.
“I’m going to check on Emily. You stay right here, okay?”
I enter the house to find Emily standing before the kitchen sink. The one that still needs to be repaired. I feel like the damage buys me time since it will take several weeks for a new sink to be delivered, and she still hasn’t made a decision on one yet.
“You shouldn’t make up stories for her,” I say, keeping my voice low as I come up behind her, stepping close so she can feel my heat on her back. I lower my nose to her neck and inhale the rain shower and freshwater scent of her mixed with sunshine.
“Sometimes make-believe is all we have,” she replies, keeping her eyes glued to the window over the sink.
“You still need to get this sink fixed,” I remind her. It was my purpose two days ago, and now I’m putting up a fence for her instead. I inhale, noting a scent I smelled the other night.
“Do I smell fresh paint?”
“I have to repaint the living room and dining room,” she mutters. Before she sells. Before she rents. Before she leaves.
“There’s no rush. You have weeks to get things done,” I say, hope rising in my chest.
“I got an email from my boss the other day. I need to be in Naperville a week from next Monday.”
“So you come back and finish whatever you need to do when you are done in this Naperville place.” My voice catches, knowing it’s not that easy. Knowing before she says anything that’s not how it’s going to happen.
“I’ve already taken three weeks plus a week of bereavement. I need to finish Nana’s house before I leave.”
“A new sink won’t be here that quickly,” I tell her, still pressed against her but feeling the distance growing between us.
“I’ll figure it out,” she says, her voice weakening.
“Because you’re efficient,” I tease without any humor. She shrugs before me. A silent Emily worries me.
I press a kiss to her shoulder. I’m unable to handle the heavy stuff today. I want to take her up against the sink and tell her not to leave me, but I don’t think more angry sex will sway her to stay. It would feel amazing, but it wouldn’t solve anything. Plus, Katie is right outside.
“Go out with me,” I whisper.
“What?” She shifts so she can look at me over her shoulder, but I don’t look up at her. Not yet.
“On a date. Say yes.”
“Okay.” Thankfully, I hear the smile in her voice, and I return the smile against her neck.
“Maybe three times, and the spell will be broken for you as well.”
“What spell?” She chuckles, tips her head back and melts into my chest.
“The one where you continue to resist me.”
“I’m not resisting you.” Laughter fills her voice as her slender arms cover my sweaty ones wrapped around her middle.
“How about a spell where you open your heart to me?”
She stills and then slowly spins in my arms.
“Jess, we shouldn’t do this . . .” Her voice fades.
“Just a date.” I cup her jaw and kiss her lips, cutting off anymore resistance and the possibility of her rejection. I can play make-believe, too. I can make believe Emily might love me, and I can convince her to stay.
Rule 16
Music is a universal language.
[Emily]
I’m nervous as I wait for Jess to pick me up. I’m exhausted after another day of painting and my limbs ache, but I’m excited to go out.