walking out to the highway and hitchhiking as far away from there as I could get.
When October came out of the bathroom, her hair was wet, and she was wearing her jeans and a lacy bra that was almost the same color as her skin.
“Hey,” I muttered, nodding toward the tray of food.
“Ah. Thank you. I’m starving.”
She grabbed a sweater from her bag and slipped it on. Then she smeared peanut butter on half of the bagel and came over to the recliner where I was, even though there was an identical one right next to it. She sat down and nestled in beside me while she ate.
I felt myself freeze up. Went dead inside. I didn’t want to be that close to her, and I almost asked her to move to the other chair, but she noticed the other cup of coffee on the tray and got up to get it.
I got up too and relocated to the table, where I poured myself a bowl of cereal and pretended I was reading something on my phone while I ate.
I’m certain it was obvious to October, notwithstanding her gift, that I wasn’t right that morning. But she seemed uncomfortable too, and when she spoke again, her voice was timid.
“I can’t believe I forgot to draw you.”
She drank her coffee and finished the bagel, and then she said, “We should head out. I told Rae I’d be home by noon.”
I packed up my stuff while she packed up hers, and we walked out, stopping in the lobby to give our room key to the old lady in the American flag shirt.
October wanted to drive, and as she turned onto the highway I leaned my head on the cold, dewy window, closed my eyes, and tried to isolate what I was feeling. The trouble was, I wasn’t feeling anything at all. I was numb. But it was the kind of numbness that felt like pain.
Feeling nothing can sometimes hurt like hell.
When we got to Ukiah, October pulled into a gas station and asked me to fill up the tank while she went to the bathroom. It was the first time either of us had spoken since we’d started the drive.
We drove in silence for a little longer, but near Novato, October said, “Are you going to pretend to be asleep the whole way home, or can we talk?”
Here we go, I thought. But I didn’t say anything. Once again, I was Mutant Joe.
October tried to touch my hand, but I pulled it away and started playing Tetris on my phone.
“Joe, please tell me what’s going on in your head.”
“Don’t you know?” I snapped. “Aren’t you a mind reader?”
That agitated her, and she said, “There’s no reason to act like an asshole.”
“Fine.” I tossed my phone onto the dash and rubbed my face. “You want to know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking about the text I got from your boyfriend this morning. He wants to know how you are. What should I tell him? She’s a little groggy today, but she seemed great last night when I was eating her out on a cheap motel bed?”
She looked at me and said, “Maybe you should tell him that.”
“Jesus Christ, October.”
“So, this is about Chris? You’re acting like this because of Chris?”
“Don’t you feel even a little bit guilty?”
“You know I do. But I thought we decided something last night.”
“What did we decide?”
“That we’re going to tell him. Today.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? We were on drugs last night. We can’t tell him.”
“We have to. It’s the right thing.”
“Oh, now you want to do the right thing?”
She glared at me, looked back at the road, then at me again. “Come on, Joe. Life is messy sometimes. And I know that what happened last night probably shouldn’t have, but it did, and it was incredible, and I’m not sorry about that. Besides, technically we didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I bet Cal would disagree.”
“Well, no one will ever be able to convince me it’s wrong to listen to your heart. If Chris were in this situation, I’d want him to do the same thing.”
“I wasn’t listening to my heart last night, I was listening to my cock.”
I’d hoped that would set her back, but she shook her head and said, “No, you weren’t.”
She tried to touch my hand again, but I wouldn’t let her.
“Joe—”
“No. Pay attention to what I’m about to say. This can’t happen. And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll fire me, kick