and make love to you and talk about life and go to movies and museums and cool restaurants? Yeah
Him: But be careful in working me into your plans, bc I have no idea what lies for us outside the bounds of what we have now. Like, I don’t know. But if more of what we’ve been doing is enough for you, I can give that to you & it’s really good for me, too. I think that’s what you’re saying
I sat with this for a moment. I pretended that what he was saying was not what he was saying or that what he was saying was okay with me. I wanted it to be okay. I wanted to be cool.
Me: of course. i know from what you have said to me that you tend to chafe under the strain of a relationship… is what we have “real”? what is “real”? i don’t know. what makes what we have beautiful is that it is, in a lot of ways, not of this world. i can feel your flesh but much else about it is imaginary.
Him: OK good, I wanted to say that. But what we have is real. I want to be for you what you are for me: a deep influx of love and energy, from the beyond place, absorbed above us, untouched by the earth. And it will help us live our worldly lives
Him: I want to give you joy and love from this place so you can use it where you need it. It’s more powerful to use energy in a different realm from where you got it, like how pokemon level up way faster when they’re traded jk
I was able to sit with the Pokémon. And then, a few days later, I could no longer sit with the Pokémon.
Me: hiii. so, i have been doing some thinking and some talking here in LA and have decided to give… monogamy a try. with my husband. but this means an end for you and me in a sexual/sextual context. i am deeply sad as i write this. we did so good. good love. another lifetime? :)
Him: Okay. :) Obv bummed but way more important you do what’s good in the long sense. Would be cool to reconnect on a literary basis in a while, but good to give it space
Me: who knows what is good? i am doing my best. i fell hard for you. you’re that good. i wld have chosen you. and i wld have wanted you to be mine. but you belong to the world and the stars. i don’t really know how to do things half-measures. i am sorry to do this over text. know that i’m crying at starbucks.
Me: and yes. space then literary/friendship even, sounds good.
Him: I’m wrenched. I’m not sure I can do things full measure, and for that I don’t want sympathy, but I think you understand. I wish you all luck.
Me: Love to you. Goodbye for now
Him: Love to you. Goodbye.
We did try reconnecting a few months later, as friends. That lasted for about a month. I did a good job of pretending to be a wingman-type bro, all casual and chill. But inside I was suffering. I didn’t want to just be friends. We would text about books, therapy, SSRIs, taking a shit at Walmart, but inside I was only wondering, Does he still feel ____________? I guess he was too. Things devolved quickly into sexts about the Roman Empire and romantic emails. Then I said goodbye again. He got back in touch. Then I said goodbye for good.
What happens to the space that two people occupied together? How can it just disappear? Why can’t it just become something else?
What I maybe miss most is being able to lapse into spaceland and fantasize about the sex with him. But it is no longer safe for me to do that. The fantasy is no longer safe. It is a death valley. Reality killed it. I also miss the many months of uncertainty of not knowing whether we could be. The nebulousness. Now I know we could not.
I want to text him and say: hi
I want him to text back: Hi
I want to say: i am writing a personal essay about not knowing what love is. can i ask u some questions? were you in love with me or was it just the fucking? was i just an older woman who was so grateful just to be getting fucked by a