defeated. “Tomorrow. I’ll send a message tomorrow.”
I nod. “Thank you. And … I have instructions, about Mama,” I say. “And her illness. They’d have to follow them. To the letter. And keep it secret.”
He snorts, then walks to the window and peers out again. “We’re good at secrets. She’ll be fine there.” She would be too; we’d be back well before the next full moon. I feel a small weight lift off my shoulders, but when I look at him I see the opposite has happened. His shoulders are slumped, and he leans against the frame with such an air of weariness that my heart goes out to him. I’ve done this to him.
I struggle to stand, but as I push the blankets away my foot tangles and I gasp, starting to fall. He darts towards me and catches me, my face mashing into his shoulder before he sets me upright.
“Thank y—” I look up, and his face is right next to mine.
He squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep, shuddering breath. When he opens them, they’re full of resolve and fire.
“It’s not fair,” he murmurs, his expression pained. “I’m trying so hard to be your friend.” I daren’t move.
“I meant my vows when I took them.” He takes his hands from my shoulders with finality.
“I’ll go,” I say, unable to look at him, but he moves, stopping me from reaching for the door.
“I can’t let you,” he says quietly. “I can’t run the risk that they see you leaving here and come looking.”
“I have to. Mama is alone.”
“And if the golems are still out there and you lead them back to her? Think, Errin. She’s as safe as she can be there. It’ll be dawn in a couple of hours. Wait it out. For all our sakes.”
I sink back down into his blankets and hug my knees. I know he’s right. While it’s dark it’s too dangerous; twice the golems almost caught me. If I lead them to her, or to him, then it’s all been for nothing.
He looks over at me, his expression watchful, his posture tense and ready to move. His scrutiny makes me blush again. I wish I could stop throwing myself at him; how many times does he have to push me away before I get it?
“I’m sorry, about…” I lower my head. “I’m sorry. I know you can’t. I’m sorry.”
“Errin,” he says softly, and I look up at him. “If I could, I would. For what it’s worth.” He smiles sadly, and I see the dimples in his left cheek for a brief moment. “If it were different… If I were different. I wish I’d been honest with you from the beginning,” he continues. “I wish I could have told you, then perhaps… I thought we could be friends. I thought it would be enough.”
“It is,” I say. “It has been. I’m just…” I tail off, not knowing what I am. “Are we… Can we still be friends, do you think? After this?”
“Gods, I hope so,” he says in a rush of breath, his eyes blazing into mine before he looks away. “I’d be very sorry to lose you now,” he adds, his voice so quiet I have to strain to hear him.
I make a decision. “She’s in Scarron,” I say before I can change my mind. “The girl. Ely said she was in Scarron.”
Silas’s mouth falls open. “Thank you. Thank you so much.” He moves across the room and presses his lips to my forehead like a benediction, his kiss searing my skin. “I’ll send a message to the Conclave first thing, telling them to expect us. I’ll tell them to ensure your mother’s release and I’ll take you both to the Conclave myself, then go to Scarron.”
“I could come with you, to Scarron.”
“No, thank you. It’s best if I go alone. I don’t know if she’s expecting us.”
“Why didn’t you know where she was?” I ask. “If she’s so important to your people, how did you come to lose her?”
“She didn’t live with the Sisters.”
“Why?”
“Bad blood,” he says, after a long moment. “It’s complicated. We can talk when I get back.”
Though I don’t like it, I nod. There will be plenty of time, I suppose. And if I’m in the Conclave, he won’t be able to keep much from me.
“Thank you,” he says softly. “You don’t know what you’ve done.”
I feel proud of myself for the first time in a long time.