you that I don’t like being without you, that was a huge admission for me to tell you that. That is really going far out on the edge for me. I have never told a woman that before. But it’s the truth. When you’re not with me, you’re always with me. And that’s why I want you always with me. So if you think I’m in it for the chase and then next, that’s not what’s going on.”
“What is going on, Hale?”
“You tell me, Sierra.”
She just shakes her head. I see the emotion building and I know she’s not able to speak.
“You’re seeing three weeks as the end, mermaid. I’m seeing it as the beginning. I’ll be able to touch you without you worrying if you are throwing away your life’s dream, everything you’ve worked so hard for. I’ll be able to be open that you are a special part of my life.” I laugh, “I’ll be able to put out a picture in my office in New York of the two of us together. That’s going to really freak some people out.”
She almost smiles at that, but not quite.
“What happened to you, Sierra?” I’m hoping that lying here, flat on my back in the grass, with her molded on top of me, that she helps me to understand why she thinks I’m such a douche.
Watching her facial muscles twitch in sequence as she licks and bites her lips, I have to wonder what is causing this turmoil. This is not about me, I know that. I just have to convince her of it.
“Talk to me, mermaid,” I implore. “I want to know.”
With a deep breath, her eyes wander and pinpoint some spot across Lady Bird Lake that she fixates on. “I’ve been so focused on my career and relationships have been a distant second because I learned very, very young that you can only depend on yourself.”
I wish she’d look at me, but I understand that telling me her story and looking at me is more vulnerable than she’s ready to be. This is step one.
“I was six when my father left us. My sister was eight. My mom was a stay at home mom. My father didn’t want her working, he wanted her home raising us. So, she did. She really didn’t have any workplace skills, so when he left, we were in a world of hurt.”
“Did he pay alimony and child support?”
Sierra finally looks down at me, a small smile on her face does not paint a happy picture.
“Well, that’s kind of where the problem came in. What my mom found out when she went to divorce him was that my father was married. Just not to her.”
“Son of a bitch.” I feel her pain sear my solar plexus. This event shaped her and this man tainted her.
“You’re being too kind. Turns out that mom was quasi-wife number two. There was his legal wife, quasi-wife number one and then my mom. He had kids with all of them and he was very good at figuring out how to go off the grid and not be found. So my mom never collected a cent.”
“Wow. That’s harsh.” I think of my own cushy childhood. Two parents, a beautiful home in Marblehead and a summer house on Nantucket. Growing up certainly wasn’t without pain, but security and deceit were never issues.
“I can’t fuck things up, Hale. And if I do, it can’t be over a man. Do you understand that?”
Removing one of my hands from her back, I cup her small face. “I’m not him.”
“I want to believe that. I do. But you grabbed my ass after a business meeting.”
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. “We have come a long way since then, Sierra, and you know that. I’ve kind of told you, but let me finally tell you the full embarrassing truth behind the ass-grab. And it is embarrassing. That was not my lame attempt to pick you up.” I stop, here comes the whole truth, the God-awful, embarrassing truth. “I had been fantasizing about you. Throughout that whole meeting I was daydreaming, if you will, about me and you. And before that meeting you had been on my mind non-stop. So, when I touched you, at first appropriately, then inappropriately, it was because my mind was elsewhere, in fantasyland. And in fantasyland, you were mine and touching you was natural, because there, in fantasyland, I always touch you.”
I stop for a moment, then continue. “Yeah, process