to recover. At one point, I have to bend over to contain the fit of laughter.
When I’m able to stand again, I wipe tears from my eyes and catch Hendrix beaming at me. He’s been laughing along with me, and it felt so natural, I forgot that it’s not. Forgot that few people ever see me like this, loose and uninhibited.
It makes me feel captured, in a way. I resent him for it, for witnessing this part of me.
But also it makes me want him to see more.
Fred runs back to me, his eyes wild with excitement. “Mummy! Did you see the mermaid?”
I glance around until I spot the woman dressed and painted in green sitting on top of a rock, her mermaid tail dangling down the side. “I see her now. Is she your favorite?”
“So far!” He abruptly settles his elation when he spots Hendrix at my side. “Hello,” he says, not the least withdrawn like I am. “I’m Fred. You can call me Freddie.”
Hendrix looks to me, and I nod. “What a very adult introduction. Better than what I could have offered myself. I’m Hendrix. You can call me whatever you like, I’ll probably answer.”
“He talks funny,” Fred whispers loudly.
“He does, doesn’t he? American dialects are the silliest.”
My child beams like we’ve shared a joke, then addresses Hendrix once again. “Are you Mummy’s friend?”
God, the rippling of my insides makes me feel like I’m on the Eye instead of feet flat on the ground. It feels so big, this introduction. A monumental moment between the three of us. And inappropriate since I have no intentions of keeping Hendrix in my life. Irresponsible too. What kind of mixed messages am I giving the man? What kind of mixed message am I giving my son?
But if I were to keep Hendrix…
I don’t even know how to fantasize that without an understanding of how he’d fit into my full life when the biggest portion of my life is Fred.
Again the man looks at me. I don’t venture an answer, intrigued with what he’ll say on his own.
“I’m a student in her class,” Hendrix says, a safe answer that I should let stand.
But I’m an idiot of a creature so I amend. “He’s in my class, but yes, Fred. Hendrix is a friend.”
Hendrix’s eyes light and his lips curl up as though he’s won a grand prize.
Has he?
No, he hasn’t. It’s just a fact. We knew each other before he enrolled in my class. He’s not just a student.
If we’re actually accounting for facts, of course, he’s not just a friend, either.
“I don’t know many of Mummy’s friends,” Fred says thoughtfully. “Do you have a kid too?”
It’s the natural assumption. Most of the people he has met as “Mummy’s friends” were really arranged playdates with mothers who had children Fred’s age.
Hendrix squats down so he’s eye-to-eye with my son. “I don’t. Sort of unfortunate because I always wanted kids.”
“Why don’t you have one then?”
The questions of children.
It reminds me of the encouragement Hendrix gave the night before, suggesting that it wasn’t too late for me to have more. Had I imagined that he was suggesting the possibility of fathering them?
Hendrix shrugs. “Good question. I’ll get on that.”
Fred nods his head like it’s a done deal. “You can pretend I’m your kid for today,” he suggests.
Hendrix looks up at me. “I’m not sure how your mother would feel about that.”
My chest tightens and releases. Tightens again, and I’m not sure if it’s a good feeling or a bad one. Not sure if it’s okay to let my child play out this whim or if it’ll do long-term damage.
But oh, what a delicious whim it is. A fantasy I’ll play over and over, having a partner in loving my son. Someone to share the wonder and joy of watching this little miracle discover the world. A partner who loves me just as devotedly. Who wants to discover the world with me.
I don’t have to respond, thankfully, because Fred shrugs it off like it’s no big deal, and then is instantly distracted by a wizard statue in the distance.
“Stay within sight,” I shout as he runs off ahead of us.
“I’m sorry about that,” Hendrix says. “I hope it didn’t make you too uncomfortable.”
I shake my head, trying to adopt the same nonchalance as Fred. “Not your fault. He’s just starting to realize he doesn’t have a dad, and I think it fascinates him that there are men who might want to be one.” I barely