because I cracked. Because I saw for the first time what I had become. The difference between Lacey and Paisley.
Lacey was a role I played, not the real me, but somehow I’d forgotten. Nothing of the last two months had been my life. The way I looked, the clothes I wore, the way I traveled, or the company I kept.
I, Paisley, had killed people.
They were people who were trying to kill me, so it was self-defense, but I couldn’t forget the high and the way I fucked Six after.
“We’ve been here too long,” Six said as he began packing up his bag.
I shook my head.
He stopped and stared at me. “You have to let it go.”
“How?”
“Turn it off.”
I clenched my jaw, trying to keep the tears away. “And what? Start thinking of people as nothing but cattle? I’m not fucked up like you!”
“Are you done?” It wasn’t a question of if I was done ranting. He was asking if I was ready for my bullet.
I shook my head, and my face scrunched up as the tears fell.
“Then get your ass up and start packing. We need to get moving.”
Anger, sadness, confusion—I was a mess of emotions. I couldn’t seem to get myself together. The chaos made me want to lash out.
“Why do you care so much more about your life and the lives of the Killing Corps than people? Do you have family?”
“I have a mother and a brother.”
The shock that he gave me something so personal wasn’t enough to stop me.
“And would you shoot them, kill them?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said with that blank face and even tone of his.
I stared at him. Really?
“So, you don’t love anyone enough to die for them?”
“No.”
And there it was. Even if he did love me in some way, it would never be enough to give his life for mine.
“Why do you assume that just because I have family that I love them?”
I balked at him. “You don’t?”
“By your reaction, I should.”
“Then getting back to a long ago question—have you ever been in love?” I asked, needing to know the answer. “Or even to last night. If you can love, is there anyone you love?”
He didn’t flinch, didn’t break, his expression as blank as before. “I’ve loved and I’ve lost, but it doesn’t change who I am.”
He could love. He had loved. But at the end of the day, he was still a sociopath.
“You don’t miss that love?” I asked. I knew I did. “Don’t you ever crave affection? Have that skin crawling need to snuggle into the arms of someone you love?”
He stopped zipping up his suitcase, pausing as he stared down at it. “I’m an unfeeling killing machine, remember? I do the job, and the job is death. Love has no place in my life or in me.” His gaze moved up to me, his brow knitted as he lightly shook his head. “I do very bad things, Lacey. I’m not blind to that.”
Tears filled my eyes, lips pursed as I fought the scrunching up of my face.
Broken. Bruised and my heart bleeding.
I admitted to myself I wanted his love, but at what cost to myself?
“Where are we going now?” I asked after we were loaded up in the car.
“We’re staying here, just moving to the other side of town.”
I turned in my seat. “People tried to kill us here, more than once, and you want to stay?”
He looked out the windows, waiting for the opportunity to turn. “The response to the situation would be to run, to move on. That’s what they’ll be expecting.”
I didn’t like moving. I didn’t like Six much right then. I especially didn’t like Seven.
I didn’t like anything at that moment. Everything was wrong with me and my surroundings.
The drive was silent as I stared out at passing buildings and people. The sun beating down on the desert city, baking everything in a dry heat. Strangers moved all around us who had no clue that people like the Cleaners existed.
I envied them and their ignorance.
To go back to February and take a different path. To pretend it was all a nightmare.
Six left me to my thoughts. Not that he was one for talking anyway.
Across town, in yet another piece of crap motel, we dropped our bags and moved to the table to eat some food we’d gotten on the way.
The room had more of a ‘70s vibe. Old wood paneled walls were dark, matching my mood. Maybe the cave was what I needed.
We sat down and