lazily slicing the water. I was wrapped around his waist, satisfied to let him carry me.
“I don’t have secrets,” he replied.
“Liar.”
Clay barked a laugh. “Fine. I don’t have interesting secrets. Not ones that you don’t already know about.”
“Tell me an uninteresting one.” A firefly drifted close to my face, joined quickly by a mate. The two flew off together, hopefully to live uncomplicated lives.
“I’ve been to New York.”
“You have? When?”
“Two years ago, Rio sent Dad on a job and he took me. I think Rio made him bring me along to ensure it got done. But whatever the reason, I got to leave this town. Turns out there is a whole world out there. The globes they’ve got in class aren’t a prank after all.”
I bopped his nose. “How’d you like it on the outside?”
“New York is everything you want, Em. You’ll get there one day.”
Tilting my head to the moon, a smile graced my lips as I pictured. “Eli will have a room that’s half library. All of the books he wants. Every morning, I’ll eat muffins on the couch while the sun streams in. At night, I’ll sit on my balcony and listen to the city. In the summer, Eli and I walk on melting sidewalks through the boroughs, and in the winter, we’ll ice-skate and drink every kind of hot cocoa until spring comes back.”
“There is one guy in this future. Do you have room for any more?”
“Maybe one, two, or three,” I teased. “You never know.”
“Kids?”
“Yes.”
“Pets?”
I swept out my arms. “A menagerie. I want so many pets the neighbors call animal control on us. Pets were the one thing we couldn’t have growing up. Mom was allergic.”
“You’re going to have everything you want, Em.” The river made his touch cool on my cheek. “I know you will.”
“You’ll have everything you want too, Clay. Even the things you won’t let yourself wish for.”
“Life doesn’t work that way. Not for me.”
I heard a splinter eerily similar to my heart breaking. Clay truly believed his life wouldn’t change.
Clay swam to the bank. “Your turn. Tell me a secret. Make it a good one.”
“How good?”
“Something you’ve never told anyone. Not Royal. Not Eli. A secret you barely admit to yourself.”
“Okay.”
Clay secured my legs around his waist and lifted me out.
“I try to kill myself almost every day.”
He slipped, falling hard on his backside. “What?! Holy shit, Ember!”
“Relax,” I soothed. “Let me explain.”
“How can you explain that?”
Threading my fingers behind his neck, I brought our foreheads together. “There are lots of ways to kill yourself, but the simplest method of all, is the only way it can’t be done.
“Holding your breath. You can’t hold your breath until you die. If you try. If you strongly fight the urge to breathe for as long as you can, you’ll eventually pass out and while unconscious, your body will make you take a breath. It’ll force you to live.
“Sometimes when it’s all too much, I hold my breath till it feels like my lungs will burst and at that last second my body will force me to let go. There’s a part of me that wants to keep going. No matter how bad it gets or how hard I resist, I have to take a breath.”
I lifted my shoulders, smiling at him. “It’s weird, but it helps me. We’ve all got unique ways to deal.”
“That’s true,” he murmured. “But if you’re looking for another part of you that wants you to keep going...” Clay clasped my hand over his heart. “Here’s one.”
“Clay.” A grin split my face. “That was unbearably cheesy.”
“It was, wasn’t it?”
We fell out, collapsing on the bank.
“You’ll have to kiss me to make up for it,” I said, rolling on top of him.
“Oh, yeah?” He captured me in a deep, passionate kiss that banished the chill from my bones. “Did that do it?” he gruffed. “Or should I try again?”
“I’ll tell you when.”
It felt like hours before we returned to the school. I would’ve stayed out by that river with Clay forever. We left for the same reason we decided not to have sex. It was cold as hell and we were freezing our na-nas off. Shaking and chattering teeth were far from sexy. An intense make-out session followed our dip in the river, then we scurried into our sweaters and jackets and cuddled up on the blanket, talking about everything and anything.
“Want to know another secret?” I spoke up.
Our clasped hands swayed between us.
“Sure.”
“That was my first real date.”
He blinked.