A Singular Man - By J. P. Donleavy Page 0,14

want canes, mister."

"I want canes. Everyone in the shop."

"Mister wait a minute."

"No."

"Well wait a minute."

"No."

"You mean you want all the canes."

"Yes."

"I got two hundred canes."

"Wrap them up."

"Hold it. Do you know what you're saying."

"Wrap them up."

"I ain't got that much wrapping paper. You don't know what you're saying."

"Are you questioning my sanity."

"Yeah."

"Let me repeat. You own this shop."

"What do you mean, repeat. You haven't said it once yet."

"I repeat. You own this shop."

"Look mister I understand English/1

"And let me repeat. I want to buy every cane in your shop."

"This is a store. But if you repeat I'm going to repeat. I've had a lot of people come in here in my time. And what is happening at this moment is original. They come in about the ape."

"A most obscene exhibition too."

"That's God's problem mister. But you come in about some problem you got, I think."

"The canes please."

"I said I got two hundred, what do I know what they cost together."

"Write a round figure on a piece of paper."

"How do I know how much two hundred canes are worth."

"I'm not suggesting you rob yourself. A round figure."

"What are you trying to do to me."

"Write a satisfactory figure on a piece of paper. I will fetch a car and you get your bank to phone my bank."

"Certainly not. You can't make me write anything on a piece of paper what do you think this is."

"Dear me. You are amusing. Goodness. I can't believe it. Completely irresponsible. Utterly pig headed. Round figure. I repeat."

"Stop saying that."

"A simple thing like canes."

"Mister, before I ask you where you come from, why don't you just buy that jug, look, an antique thermometer, with one of these things tells you the weather. Never have to go outside, and you know it's raining. No insult, but it might suit you good."

"The instrument looks broken and rather battered to me."

"What do you expect. Antique."

"Canes."

"Can't you get off that subject. Look, here's a table that's got real foreign worm holes. That carving. Right up the leg, a craftsman did it"

"I'm particularly fascinated by carved canes."

"Do me a favour mister. Here's a doll, real hair. You could buy a carriage, push it around. I think it would make you feel better because. Look why this chair. Say I got it, here this brass pig. A round figure. Ha ha. That's a good one. How about this."

"Wrap it up."

"No kidding."

"No kidding."

"Mister thanks, thanks a lot. You sure had me worried. And for you I take ten percent off. And let for a change me repeat, thanks a lot and merry Christmas."

George attired in the double breasted suit of the cunning connoisseur, on top of which he wore a great coat with a bear fur collar. Leaving the hairy garment swinging open as he did business. Every little percent helps. And tucking up this brass omnivorous hoofed mammal, reminder of swine everywhere. Smith picked up polish and made it safely to Merry Mansions and past Hugo who pretended to read the early evening paper. Dolt.

Inside Flat Fourteen. Music from the sitting room. White scraps of dishes over the hall. To the left, master's quarters, to the right servant's. One hesitates wondering which way. Well, how do you like this.

"Matilda, I hate interrupting the music."

"Hey I didn't hear you come in Mr. Smith."

"I'd prefer Matilda, if you'd wear your uniform."

"What's the matter with what I'm wearing."

"It's what you're not wearing Matilda."

"O say that's cute, that's a little pig. Where did you get it. Gee Air. Smith let me feel it."

"Stand back''

"What's a matter Mr. Smith I just want to feel it. A real cute thing. Mr. Smith, you've been worrying again. I know you have. Yes, I see it. You don't fool me. You been to the antique shop to soothe your nerves, I know it. You sit right down there. Here have this pillow. Take your coat. Won't touch that pig. Been thinking Mr. Smith, I've got no right to interfere with your business life. No. I've got no right. That's not my place. My place is out there in that kitchen. And in here if necessary to make you comfortable. I just wanted to keep you calm. It's people who upset people. But I think, well, my place is the kitchen."

"I'm not disputing this little testimony, Matilda. But I come in and find you stretched out on the couch. Appreciate your selection of music. But just making clear you seem to have a place on the couch as well as a place

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