to get on a ladder to look at her. He trimmed so many branches last year the tree looks naked from the waist down.”
“Oh, well ... how old is the Stevenson girl now?” I tried to do the math in my head.
“Sixteen,” Sebastian answered grimly.
That sounded about right. She’d barely been walking when I’d left for college. “Well, maybe he considered himself an artist,” I offered brightly.
Vera’s lips curled into a sneer. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Artists study the human form in a clinical manner.”
“Yeah, that wasn’t it. Roy couldn’t draw a stick figure unless the stick was in his pants. He did enjoy adding penises to photos in the newspaper. He thought it was funny, even if the photos were of an accident scene or a murder victim. He would leave the newspapers behind in restaurants so other customers could enjoy his artwork.”
I chewed my bottom lip. It sounded as if Roy was an even bigger jerk than I remembered. “Still, you married him,” I pressed. “There must’ve been something about him you liked.”
“When Roy and I met, I was looking for a way out of my father’s house. He was a strict disciplinarian and believed the only way a daughter could leave the nest is if she was married. At the time, I thought Roy was the answer to my problems.”
“See.” I forced a smile I didn’t really feel. “He was good for something.”
“Yes, he was a true joy,” she drawled, rolling her eyes. “If I knew then what I know now I would’ve stayed with my father. He might’ve been a real killjoy, the sort of guy who never laughs and doesn’t think others should either, but at least he didn’t get his rocks off staring at underage girls.”
Helpless, I looked to Sebastian to take over the conversation. He looked just as lost.
“So ... the most inexpensive box we can find and cremation?” All the excitement he’d been feeling earlier in the day deflated, leaving his shoulders hunched. “Do you want a tombstone or shall we just stick a little sign in the ground and be done with it?”
“Oh, I want a tombstone.” Vera flashed her teeth. “Do you think I can put ‘beloved philanderer’ on it without turning the town against me?”
“Um ... .” Sebastian looked uncertain.
“Are you sure he cheated on you?” I asked, knowing it was probably the worst way to turn the conversation. I couldn’t help myself. “I mean ... just because he liked looking at other women doesn’t mean he acted on his impulses.”
“Oh, honey, you’re sweet.” Vera shot me a pitying look. “Do you know how many women have contacted me over the years to tell me my husband was cheating on me?”
“That doesn’t necessarily mean it was true.”
“Two of them claimed to be pregnant with Roy’s babies.”
“There are ways to prove that.”
“He paid them off.”
I was done trying to find a single good thing about Roy. It was a wasted effort from the start. “I’m really sorry.” I meant it. “He sounds like an absolutely horrible man.”
“He was. I still have a responsibility, and I mean to see it through.”
“Then we’ll help you.” Sebastian grabbed his notepad and headed toward the couch. “You know, there’s this really garish tombstone they’ve been trying to get rid of. Someone somewhere thought it was a good idea to make one in a puke green color. You can get them for a song now that they’re discontinuing the line.”
Vera brightened considerably. “That sounds great. He would hate that.”
“I think I know a few more things he would hate. There’s a spot in the cemetery where the squirrels hang out and crap all through the summer. It smells terrible. Those spots are inexpensive.”
“Sign me up.”
This wasn’t how I planned to gather information, but it was better than nothing.
11
Eleven
Two hours with Vera was my limit. The joy she took in picking out the things she knew Roy would hate made me sad. Sebastian got into the spirit of the endeavor, but even he looked wiped out when she finally left.
“Did you at least make a profit?” I asked as I stretched out on the settee. It was surprisingly comfortable for such a small piece of furniture.
He nodded and flopped in the chair next to me. “I made a fairly decent profit. The markup on this stuff is astronomical.”
“I bet. It’s one of the few businesses that can get away with almost anything and nobody will call them on it.”
“You make me sound like