no idea how I’m going to tell the father.
The first day after my revelation is spent sleep walking, going through the motions of running a business while letting the news sink in. I try to come to terms with having a baby in the next seven or so months that are left, deciding whether or not I want to keep it. And without a doubt I know that I do want to have it, even if I have to raise it as a single mother.
But then I start to wonder how Sam would feel about this. Would he come back and be a father if I told him we’re having a baby together? Even if he doesn’t want to be with me, he may still want to see his child or have visitation. Wouldn’t he?
There’s only one way to find out and that’s to ask him.
That’s why I carry my phone around, staring at the number for the Eastern District of North Carolina’s FBI office for hours. I spend days trying to figure out how to break the news to Sam, going through all of his possible reactions. Will he be happy or angry? Worst of all, what if he doesn’t care?
Finally, first thing Monday morning, I cave and dial the number to the office, putting the phone up to my ear as it rings.
A pleasant woman answers, saying the whole long title of the office before it’s my turn to speak.
“Hello?” she asks. “Is anyone there? Hello?”
“Ah, hi,” I eventually squeak out. “I’m looking for an agent…”
“One in particular, or do you need to leave a general message?”
“There’s one I need to talk to specifically,” I explain. “His name is Sam. Samuel Sheppard.”
“Just a moment,” she replies before putting me on hold.
This is it. Now or never. I’m going to either get to hear his voice on the other end of the phone and give him the potential life changing news, or I’ll get his voicemail, in which case I’ll leave my number and tell him it’s extremely important that he call me back.
What if he doesn’t call me back?
“Ma’am?” the receptionist’s voice comes back on.
“Yes?”
“Agent Sheppard is on leave. We don’t know if or when he’ll be back in the office. Would you like for me to see if there’s someone else who can assist you?”
On leave? I thought he had to get back to work for a new case… Guess it was another out-of-town assignment…
“No, I really must speak to Agent Sheppard directly. It’s a personal matter. Can you get a message to him?”
“Oh. Um, I’m very sorry ma’am, but he’s not in contact with the office at this time.”
“Not in contact? You’re his employer! There has to be some way to reach him. You could call him, right? It’s urgent. Life and death. Please,” I beg, tears filling my eyes.
“I wish I could help you, really I do.”
“Then help me!” I shout at her through the phone, taking my anger at him leaving out on her.
“I’m sorry,” she says. “Listen, I’m not even supposed to share this with anyone, but Agent Sheppard may not ever return to the office again.”
“What? Why not? Did he get fired or relocated? I have to find him.”
“No, ma’am. He wasn’t fired or relocated. He’s, um, he’s in critical condition at the local hospital.”
“What?” I whisper, clutching the phone tighter, certain I misheard her.
“Agent Sheppard was attacked, beaten nearly to death, and is in a coma. The doctors…”
“The doctors what?” I choke out as I slide down the nearest wall in the kitchen to sit down.
“He’s on life support. The doctors aren’t sure he’s going to make it.”
“But…he has to make it! They have to save him. I’m pregnant with his baby!”
“Oh, wow,” the receptionist replies. “That’s very unfortunate. I’m so, so sorry to be the one to tell you.”
“I just…I can’t believe it,” I sob more to myself than to her.
“I apologize again, but I’ve told you more than I should. I really need to go. Have a good day,” she says ironically before hanging up on me.
“No!” I yell at her, even though she’s gone.
I can’t believe this!
Sam was so strong and healthy. Imagining him hurting, unconscious in a hospital bed is impossible.
I have to go see him, to find out what happened and make sure the doctors are doing everything they can to save him, because damn it, he can’t die! I have to talk to him and tell him I’m pregnant and that I need him in