The Secret of You and Me - Melissa Lenhardt Page 0,55
know what to do.”
“How do you feel?” Todd said, smiling like a proud papa.
The relief at not being rejected was all-consuming. I grinned. “Better than how I felt when I told my mother.”
“You told Brenda? Today?”
“Yes. A few hours ago. I don’t know if she believed me or not.”
“Why?”
“Everything I’ve done over since Nora left has been running away from it. I can see how she would think Nora was a phase. But, it’s not. This is who I am, and I’ve known deep down since I was little. Then, I didn’t have the words to explain how I felt different. With Nora, I could delude myself that it was specifically her I loved, and I did. For years. Until Erica.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. The idea of telling anyone else is terrifying. I don’t think I could handle being rejected by my daughter. So, this will most likely be the end of it. My mother will never tell because she will never believe it. You won’t tell because you’re my sponsor, which means I can go on being a coward for God knows how long.”
“A coward wouldn’t have told me that story. A coward wouldn’t be getting her year chip this Saturday.”
I shifted in my seat.
“You are still getting your chip on Saturday?”
I shook my head, and Todd’s proud papa expression changed to concern.
“It was half a beer.” I swallowed. I think I’d dreaded this part of the conversation the most. Admitting my weakness. My eyes burned with tears and knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back the building sob. When I spoke, my voice was half pleading, half crying. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to. I never thought, I’m going to drink that beer.” I sniffed back the rivers of snot that were starting to flow. “It was Nora’s beer. Her lips—” I pointed to my mouth “—her lips had touched that bottle. That was all I could think about. And, I...” I closed my eyes and touched my lips, remembering the glass, the beads of beer clinging to the edge of the mouth, the yeasty smell, the warmth I imagined was still there from her lips, gone only moments before. “All I wanted was to put my lips where hers had been. That’s all I thought about. Her lips. How that cold bottle might be the closest I would ever get to ever touching them again.” I opened my eyes. Todd watched me, an expression of wonder on his face, and it broke me.
I covered my hands with my face and cried freely. Todd moved into the booth next to me, his strong arm around me, and the next thing I knew I’d buried my face in his neck and sobbed freely. Still, I tried to talk. “I didn’t realize I’d drank it until Nora found it empty. I know it was a stupid thing to do. An entire year of work down the drain and for what?”
“Have you had a drink since?”
“No.”
“That’s what matters, Soph. Your work’s not down the drain.”
“But, I still have to start over? Counting?”
“Yeah.”
“Fuck.”
Todd leaned over and pulled paper napkins out of the holder. I wiped my eyes and blew my nose.
Todd kept his arm around me, supporting me. “You know what?” he asked.
“What?”
“I think this date will mean more for you in the long run. Because it’s connected not to a failure or a mistake, but the journey back to someone you love.”
“You really are a glass half-full kinda guy.”
He smiled and shrugged. “You okay now?”
“Yeah. Thanks for meeting me on such short notice.”
“Of course.”
He slid back into his side of the booth.
I sniffed again. “All this time, I’ve thought my drinking was because of the guilt about how everything ended. Lying about Nora. Me and Charlie. And jealousy that Nora escaped, and I didn’t. Every time I got news of Nora, I would go on a binge. I never expected the urge to drink would return when she was here, when we’d patched everything up.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t deserve to be happy.”
“Hell, Sophie, if none of us deserved to be happy based on what we did when we were eighteen, the world would be full of miserable people.”
“What would Logan say? Charlie? Having a lesbian ex-wife won’t help his campaign. That’s assuming he’ll divorce me. He hasn’t so far, and I’ve given him lots of reasons to.”
“Why does he have to divorce you? If you want to leave him, go.”