I am intimately acquainted with her state of existence.
“Tell me, Caroline.” I pace around behind her, letting her hear my footsteps. “Did you go this easy on me?” She starts to shake her head, and I shove the whip in front of her and use it to pull back on her neck. “Tell the truth.”
The Constantine ice queen doesn’t want to admit it, but after a too-long pause, she opens her mouth. “No. I didn’t.”
“I believe in fairness.” I go back to the other side of her. “It wouldn’t be fair to stop now.”
I lay down another stripe across her back. Another. Another. Another. So many times I lose count. The screaming is background noise now. The same as the rush of wind outside. I don’t hear it, and I don’t care about it. The only thing that matters is damaging her. Forever, if possible.
The doctors Eva dragged me to after I came home from Caroline eventually determined that the nerve damage was too extensive to repair, the feedback loop between my brain and the misfiring nerves too deeply carved. They didn’t know why. Permanent torture from a whipping that’s years over is random, according to medical science. Needless to say, the caliber of painkillers that would fix this aren’t compatible with staying alive. Not for a Morelli.
It is unlikely that I can engineer the same outcome for Caroline.
Doesn’t mean I can’t try.
I bring the whip down three more times. She’s hardly making any sound now, and my anger senses weakness. It wants to tear her throat out. It howls at the end of the leash, snapping its jaws. I’m made of aching tension. I want to keep whipping her until she finally crumples, until it’s finally over, until she can never hurt me again. I could do it. I’m close. I’m so fucking close.
But then.
What?
If I kill Haley’s aunt, she can’t come back to me. Not ever. If I kill Caroline Constantine, then it’s mutually assured destruction. The family feud will collapse in on itself and explode. It’ll take Bishop’s Landing and most of New York City with it.
I think of Haley offering her ass up to be strapped, her pussy wet, promising that she would do anything to save her father from me.
I want to kill Caroline.
But I can’t kill this foolish hope that I’ll see Haley again.
The whip flies out of my hand before I’m aware of the decision to throw it. It clatters against the widow and Caroline screams again, a silent, broken thing. “Get the fuck out of my house.”
I stalk back to the desk and lean against it to watch. It takes Caroline several tries to let go of the coat hook. Her fingers are probably stiff and sore. Droplets of blood down her back. When she turns, it’s with gasping, mincing steps. Unlike me, Caroline can’t wander outside with no shirt on. She’ll have to cover her wounds with cloth. It’ll be horrible to take off.
She grits her teeth and muscles through dressing. The last thing to go on is her coat. Caroline folds her arms over her belly, tucking her purse there. She looks like she wants to say something, but I’ve taken her voice.
“If you ever come back here, I’ll kill you.”
Caroline nods. And then she leaves, as fast as her legs will carry her.
23
Leo
The house settles into silence once Caroline is gone.
I feel her leave, terrified and barely upright. Maybe I imagine it. Not long after her malevolent presence leaves the house, Gerard passes by the door of the office. His footsteps move lightly in the hall. I don’t look. Outside, in the courtyard, two robins hop from branch to branch on a gnarled tree. Each time they land, tiny glittering pieces of snow fall to the ground.
I’m watching the birds without leaning back in my chair. One of the simplest things Caroline took from me was the ability to throw myself into any available piece of furniture without thinking, the way my brothers and sisters and other people do. Many times, the pressure of my own body is enough to start a loop, which is how I’ve come to think of the pain. A circle. A breaking wheel. It intensifies and peaks and lets down again, but it’s always, always there. Waiting.
The smaller of the robins hops to the top of the tree. It soars down to the bench nestled near the trunk, then back up.
Hiding the peak of the pain takes up the most time and energy in