“How do you figure that? We’ve been very clear with each other on what this is,” I said. Even if my heart sometimes wanted to forget.
“Why don’t you want it to be more?”
“So many reasons. Trying to work through my phobia is sort of sucking up all of my emotional energy. The fact that I know things aren’t going to work out between us. That I’m pretty sure he’ll get bored with me and cheat with some groupie and leave.” I let out a shaky breath. Why was this upsetting me? I knew how things had to be.
“I don’t believe that. He was in the army. Don’t they breed them to be loyal? He’d probably make an excellent boyfriend.”
“Being monogamous for Noah Douglas means beating off thousands of women with a stick. For me it means not matching with somebody on Tinder. Unless he defines faithfulness as small bursts of devotion that are followed up by him having the freedom to do what he wants.”
She frowned. “How would you even know that?”
“I’m pretty sure he’s on a date right now.” That sickly jealous feeling returned, making my stomach queasy.
“Do you know that for sure?”
“No. But look at him.” Now it was my turn to point at the TV. “Who wouldn’t want to date him?”
“That’s not what matters. He can make his own choices, and just because someone wants to hook up with him doesn’t automatically mean he’s going to do it. He’s not an infidelity robot set to ‘accept all requests.’”
Maybe I wasn’t being fair to him. “I don’t know why I feel this way. Maybe it’s some internalized thing I have because my dad cheated on my mom and she’s spent my entire life resenting him for it.”
“Which means you should ignore the negative voice in your head and try trusting him.”
Did this mean I had another false voice in my head, telling me something was true when it wasn’t? “Putting that aside, you’re operating under the assumption that he wants to date me.”
“Why wouldn’t he? You’re amazing.”
“You have to say that because you’re my best friend.”
“I’m your best friend because it’s true.” She let out a little wistful sigh. “And have you considered the possibility that you’re making him want you more by refusing to date him?”
“How do you figure that?”
“Don’t you remember that one interview he did for Entertainment Monthly where he said something about how one of the reasons that he joined the military was because everything in his life was too easy, it was all being handed to him and he wanted something he had to work for? Something that not everyone could do. That’s you. You’re making him work for you, and it’s probably a novel experience for him. Keeping him at arm’s length is probably just going to have the opposite effect.”
That was just Shelby speculating. She didn’t know that for sure, so I said, “I don’t think that’s true.”
“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But let me just say—ahoy, mateys. I’m onboard this ship.” She playfully saluted me.
Now it was my turn to sigh. “What ship? There’s no relationship.”
“Just because you’re in denial about what’s happening doesn’t mean it’s not happening. You certainly are dating him. You go places with him. You spend your evenings together. You’re kissing him. You are in a relationship.”
That panicky feeling, the one that had been my almost constant companion lately, returned, making my pulse race. “I can’t be.”
“Why not?”
“He doesn’t know.” I whispered the words, barely able to say them. I’d pushed this thing so far out of my head that it was painful to be speaking them out loud.
“Doesn’t know what?”
“The first time we met, I told him . . .” My throat felt dry and I swallowed, hard. “I told him I didn’t know who he was. That I’d never heard of him.”
This got her back to her feet. “Are you serious?”
I nodded.
“You have to tell him.”
“I can’t. It would ruin everything.” I felt tears forming at the edges of my eyes, and I tried blinking them away.
She sat next to me. “I think we both know that the right thing to do here is for you to tell him.”
“Do we, though? Despite what you think, we’re not in a relationship. We haven’t made any kind of commitment to each other. We’re hanging out. I’ll hopefully get over my kissing thing, and then he’ll fly to someplace like France to film a movie and this will die a natural death.