I hate that I’m fucked in the head the way I am. With everything in me I hate that these fucking scars still hold so much power over me even after all of these years. I’ve seen fucking shrinks like I was told to do; I did the fucking counseling and I’m still just as screwed up as ever.
I head into the bathroom and wash my face and try to calm my breathing before I head back out to the party. I shouldn’t have messed with her. I shouldn’t have asked Paul to even bring her here to begin with.
“You okay?” Mason asks when I step up next to him at the bar.
“Yeah. Lost my shit a little.”
“I heard. Viking’s pissed brother.”
I nod my head since I already know this. Hell, I’m pissed at myself for what I did. I glance up as I grab my beer and see Doc and Kyza heading for the door. I know I owe her an apology, but I don’t know if I should approach her or not right now. I fucked up yet again, and this time I’m fucking with someone that doesn’t even know me.
“Let it go Monster. She’s isn’t one of us anyway. You’ll probably never see her again,” Mason tells me.
He’s probably right, but the thought of not seeing her again pisses me off too. I’m in a fucking lose/lose situation and I can’t figure out how to fix it. I feel like I’m slowly losing who I am and there is not a damn thing I can do to stop it. I don’t let the guys know because honestly, Viking took me in with open arms when I transferred here. I thought a change of pace and a change in sceneries would help. In this moment I feel like I’m slowly slipping away though.
I grab the shot that’s set in front of me and down it quickly. More shots follow until the room is spinning out of control around me. Then and only then does Kenzie come up to me and wrap her hands around my waist. Kenzie is one of our club girls.
“You look sad. Want me to fix that for you?” Kenzie asks.
I want to tell her to fuck off because no one can fix it, but I don’t. Instead I nod my head and let her lead me back down the hallway and into my room. Kyza’s scent still lingers in the air. I can smell her, it’s like flowers and strawberries. My head is a goddamn mess of emotions that I can’t seem to get straight. Kenzie slides to her knees and unbuckles my jeans, pulling them down my legs along with my boxers. Her soft hand wraps around cock and starts stroking. I close my eyes and just let the sensations run wild through me. I tip my head back as her soft lips wrap around me and suck me between those swollen lips. I groan as I conjure up a vision of Kyza’s face in my mind. I picture her lips wrapped around me instead of Kenzie. I grab the back of Kenzie’s head and start fucking her face roughly. I hear her gag when I finally look down. She has spit and tears streaming down her face. I don’t care. I can’t find it in me to stop, so instead I thrust even harder and smirk at the way she gags on me. If I can control one thing in my life this is it. I can fuck a woman any way I want. I can have that level of control in the bedroom if not anywhere else, so I take it.
“Fuckin’ suck Kenzie,” I roar as my balls tighten.
I can’t look at her. I can’t stand to see the pain in her eyes. This is what she’s here for. I close my eyes and think of Kyza with her perfect blue eyes. I’m imagining them peering up at me through her thick lashes as I fall apart and come down the back of her throat. With each swallow I release a little more. Kenzie sucks me clean before I release her head.
“Get the fuck on that bed and spread your legs,” I growl.
She moves quickly to do as she was told. When I turn to look at her I’m lost. What the hell is wrong with me that not even pussy looks good?
Chapter 6
Kyza
“Are you sure you don’t want to come out with me?” Paul asks me again.