there. Only seeing you—seeing her—when it’s convenient. I deserve more than that.”
I lost my temper. “This isn’t about you, damn it! Katie’s doing great. Here. With me.” I threw the words at her like knives. I hope they fucking hurt.
“She needs me. My mother says—”
I let out a hateful laugh. “Your mother says? Your mother, who left you when you were five to go play house with her crackhead boyfriend? Pardon me if I don’t give a flying crap what your mother has to say about anything.”
“She’s changed, Web. So have I. People can do that, you know. You’ve always had a hard time forgiving when people hurt you. Maybe you should work on that,” Josie countered.
“Did your therapist tell you to say that?” I was being cruel. I didn’t care.
“This conversation is getting us nowhere. I think we should hang up. Calm down. Then maybe we can talk about this again. Otherwise, things will be said that we can’t take back.” There was a threat in there. I could tell. She was willing to play dirty. These words were going to be used to hurt me. Goddamn it.
“I won’t let you take my daughter,” I warned before hanging up.
“You won’t have a choice, Web,” she snapped, and then the line went dead.
I gripped my phone in my hand hard enough to break it. I took deep breaths and tried not to smash something. I felt wild. Out of control. This wasn’t good.
More than anything I wanted to see my daughter. I wanted to hold her against my chest and never let go. But I knew I couldn’t go to my parents’ right now. They would know instantly something was wrong. I didn’t have the emotional capacity to tell them that Josie had decided she wanted to take Katie to Florida, and the rest of us be damned. I couldn’t let Katie see me like this. It would scare her. She would pick up on my mood in an instant.
I was no good to her like this.
I was no good to anyone.
So, I drove around for an hour. Taking all the familiar roads. I blasted music and tried to drown out the dark, bleak thoughts that consumed me. When it got too much, I’d pull over and pound my fists against the steering wheel. I’d scream as loud as I could.
As I sat there, willing my reality to change, I had the realization that I was letting Josie win. That this was what she wanted. She wanted me to fall apart. She wanted to punish me for not loving her the way she wanted me to.
I remembered when she told me she was pregnant and how upset she became when I told her that it didn’t mean we were getting back together. I had promised to take care of her and the baby, but I wouldn’t force a relationship.
“You loved me once, Web, you can love me again,” she pleaded, tears streaming down her face. I hated seeing her cry. It made me feel like the world’s biggest asshole.
For a moment, I wavered. Maybe she was right. I thought I had loved her in the beginning. Sure, it wasn’t the crazy, passionate love that I had before. But it was nice. It was steady. I cared for her. And perhaps her passion for me could be enough for both of us. We could be a family. We could raise our child together.
And I would eventually grow to resent her for trapping me.
“I care about you, Jos. I really do. But I won’t live a lie either. It wouldn’t be fair to you. Don’t you want to be with someone that loves you? That wants to be with you? That would walk over broken glass for you?” I felt horrible saying these things.
Josie sobbed harder. “I want you, Web!”
“I’m sorry,” was all I could say, hating that I hurt her, but glad I was being honest.
I could sit here and get angrier and angrier, or I could go back to work. I had bills to pay. I couldn’t let Adam do all the custody work pro bono. I had to pay him for his time. Plus, I needed to focus on something that wasn’t my rage.
So, I drove back to the town square. My crew was all still there working their asses off as I knew they would be. They looked up as I made my way back over to the site. No one asked where I had been, clearly sensing