cherub to see if I’d done it already. Why are they micromanaging this thing?”
“Heaven seems to be specializing in angelic intercessions this month,” Nero said. “One of Death’s minions tells me that an angel met Death over the Summerville Speedway and wrestled him away from that Nascar accident.”
“Do you believe him?”
“It does bear further investigation.”
“What is going on?” Satan asked.
“I don’t know,” Nero said. “But might I suggest that you kill that nun and then get back here as quickly as possible?”
“I don’t think I’m going to kill her,” Satan said.
“Sir! What are you saying?”
“I don’t know. I’m just sort of making it up as I go along.”
“Sir, I strongly suggest that now is not the time to antagonize the Heavenly Host. They clearly want this nun dead.”
“I just have a sneaking suspicion that things aren’t what they seem,” Satan said. “And if they want her dead so badly, maybe I should keep her alive.”
“I encourage you to think strategically,” Nero said.
“I don’t know what that means,” Satan said and hung up.
He sat on the bed and tried to think.
“The war isn’t going well?” Mary asked, poking her head out of the bathroom.
“What war?” Satan asked.
“The war between Heaven and Hell,” Mary said.
“That was a long time ago. Now, we’ve got synergy. If we didn’t cooperate with Heaven on a regular basis and share the logistical duties it would be a bureaucratic nightmare. You’d never be able to find anything out. Omnipotence would be a joke.”
“Prince of Lies!” Mary said.
“Give it a rest,” Satan said. “ Things haven’t been going well lately. Profits are down more than usual. A lot of our creditors are demanding payment. We’re having problems with our gas lines, I’m getting sued by some woman who wrote a book claiming I molested her, and while it sounds like the kind of thing I could have done I assure you that fornicating with a human is about as attractive to me as fornicating with a ham sandwich, and now I find out that I may have fired Death over something that wasn’t even his fault.”
“And you’re having a baby,” Mary said.
Satan nodded, glumly.
“And I’m having a baby,” he agreed.
“Sounds like the Heavenly Host has you on the ropes,” Mary said.
“I hadn’t thought about it that way until now,” Satan said, and stood up. “Come on.”
“I go nowhere with you, Deceiver.”
“Not even to Heaven?”
“What should I wear?” Mary asked. “Something formal? My habit? Casual wear?”
“Don’t bother,” Satan said. “Whatever you wear it won’t be good enough. Now come on, where’s your nearest Quiznos?”
Satan found one in the phonebook and once they were in the cab he explained.
“Have you ever eaten at a Quiznos?” he asked. Mary shook her head. “Right. No one eats at Quiznos, and yet they’re everywhere. There’s a reason for that. Heaven leases space from them for their express elevators.
Mary didn’t say anything. Her insides were vibrating. She was nervous. She was about to go to Heaven. Even if she had to go there with Satan, it was still Heaven. How many Poor Clares got this opportunity? She felt like she was about to burst, but that might just have been the baby pressing against her bladder. Was it that big yet? She really didn’t know anything about pregnancy or the human reproductive system.
“What are we going to do there?” she asked.
“I’m going to try to find out why they really want you dead,” Satan said. “I have a hard time believing that there’s some kind of conspiracy going on. Heaven doesn’t go for conspiracies. Most likely it’s nothing and I’ll just wind up killing you after all. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Nero it’s that you can never be too paranoid. Or too rich.”
“So if it’s nothing, I’ll die?” Sister Mary asked.
“Right,” Satan said.
He was thinking a shark attack. That ought to take her by surprise.
“And then I’ll go to Hell?” Mary asked.
“For all eternity,” Satan said.
And all of a sudden, in the cab, all alone, fated to die and burn in Hell for all eternity, Mary Renfro started to cry.
“What’d you do to her?” the cabbie snarled. “What’d you say to her, you bastid. Makin’ a nun cry?”
He pulled the cab over and threw one beefy forearm over the back seat.
“Sister, you wannme to come back there an’ kick ‘is ass? This sumbitch say something nasty to you? Something perverted?”
“Would you do something before this gets ugly?” Satan hissed at Sister Mary.
“I’m fine,” Mary said. “Just...take us to Quiznos.”