unprepared. Confronted by the sobbing Mary Renfro, Satan did not know how to regain the element of surprise, so he slapped her.
“What are you doing?” she cried.
“Trying to surprise you,” Satan said. “Did it work?”
“Why do I have to die?” Mary Renfro moaned. She grabbed Satan’s collar and began to rock back and forth. “I’m only thirty-four. I’ve led a good life. Is it because I’m pregnant?”
“A pregnant nun?” Satan said. “Why does nothing surprise me anymore? No, you’re dying because of what you saw in the airport. Humans weren’t meant to see things like that, they aren’t equipped to see my face. The angels wiped the memories of most of the people there, but somehow you slipped past them.”
“I couldn’t have,” Mary said. “God’s servants are infallible.”
“Not so much,” Satan said.
“Can I get out of this bathtub?” Mary asked. “If you’re going to kill me then I’d like to die with some dignity.”
“Fine.”
Satan pushed himself up and helped Mary out of the tub. Whereupon she promptly picked up the biggest shard of porcelain from the floor and jammed it into his chest.
“Die, demon!” she shouted.
“Stop it,” Satan said, pulling out the long, porcelain splinter. “I’m glad you’re going to Hell. You’re a very violent nun.”
Mary Renfro began to cry again.
“Why does everyone tell me I’m a bad nun.” she wailed.
“Let’s just get you dead,” Satan said, trying to think through his surprise options. A gas main explosion? A single-engine plane smashing through the ceiling? Dinosaur stampede?
“I am a bad nun,” she said, interrupting his train of thought. “I kill people with my prayers. And I am a victim of violent passions. And I am pregnant with the Devil’s baby.”
“Whoa,” Satan said. “What was that last part?”
“If you are the author of the atrocity in the airport, then you are also the father of my child.”
“How do you figure?”
“That’s when I became with child.”
Satan thought about it. When he was on Earth and let his mind wander the way he had in Charlotte his evil was unleashed like an offensive personal odor. It was a stupid thing, his evil, with an over-developed sense of irony, dedicated to dredging up the worst nightmares a human being could conceive of and turning them into reality. It would make sense that the worst thing it could do to a celibate, virginal nun was to impregnate her. And since it was his evil doing the impregnating, it was technically his child.
Satan felt faint. Just when he thought things were as absolutely terrible as possible, they got worse.
At that moment, there was a tapping at the window. Satan looked up and saw a cherub hovering outside, his chubby body supported by his improbably tiny wings. The cherub smiled, pointed at Mary Renfro and then drew his finger across his neck and tapped his wrist.
“Alright, alright,” Satan said. “I’m killing her. I’m killing her.”
Mary fell to her knees, gawping at the cherub. This was a big moment for her: physical proof of the existence of a God. She had believed in God all of her life, but this angel of the Heavenly Host was a glorious revelation. The cherub balanced on the narrow windowsill and pressed its fat face up against the window, staring at her hungrily, drooling from its rubbery lips. Satan thumped the window hard and the startled cherub flew away.
“Oh, Lord, thank you for your intervention, delivering unto me proof of your glory. That you would take an interest in a sinner such as myself is a sign that no one is fallen so far from your flock that they cannot be saved,” Mary prayed.
Satan thought about this for a moment. Why did the Heavenly Host care so much about this pregnant nun? Why had they sent a cherub to give him the hurry up? When his attention had wandered that time on the Hindenburg they had just crashed the thing. Same with Tunguska. But now they were trying way too hard. In fact, everything was kind of weird right now. Death had screwed up in an uncharacteristic way. Funds were low. Demons were mutinous. He was the subject of a major lawsuit. Every time he saw Gabriel he had to listen to some kind of smack talk about the Ultimate Death Match. And now he was being pushed into killing a nun who said she was carrying his child.
He went into the other room and picked up the phone.