out of his chair and knelt on both knees. “Excellency,” he said, “nothing could be further from the truth. Your humble servant is a pig, a dog, someone who will never become a Buddha.”
Excellency Yuan sneered again. “If even you were to become a Buddha, then the same could not be denied to a stinking turtle!”
“Your Excellency speaks the truth,” the swine said.
“Have you heard news of Sun Bing’s rebellion?” Excellency Yuan asked.
The swine replied, “Since your humble servant’s return to his native home, that is where I have stayed. I know nothing of events in the outside world.”
Excellency Yuan said to him, “You are aware that Sun Bing is your married son’s qinjia, I assume.”
The swine said, “Your humble servant plied his trade in the capital for decades without returning home. The marriage of my son was arranged by my departed wife.”
“Sun Bing has allied himself with the Boxer bandits,” Excellency Yuan said, “inciting rebellion among the people and creating an international incident that has caused unimaginable grief to His Imperial Majesty and Her Royal Highness. In accordance with the Qing legal code, accountability for a crime of this magnitude must extend to the culprit’s extended family, wouldn’t you say?”
The swine replied, “Your humble servant merely carries out punishments and has no knowledge of the law.”
Excellency Yuan said, “According to the law, you count as a member of his extended family.”
The swine replied, “Your humble servant returned home barely six months ago, and would not recognize Sun Bing if he saw him.”
Excellency Yuan said, “The people’s hearts are iron, the law is a furnace. Since last year’s rebellious disturbance by the Boxers, their anti-religion movement and murderous attacks on foreigners have led to an international incident, a calamity of monstrous proportions. As we speak, Peking is ringed by the Great Powers, and the capital is in imminent peril. Sun Bing has been apprehended, but surviving members of his clique are prepared to stir up the countryside again. The people of Shandong are known for their quick tempers, especially those in Gaomi County. With the nation in extreme peril, caught up in the chaos of war, only the most severe punishments can strike fear into the hearts of the unruly. I have asked you here today both to recall our days of friendship and to ask you to devise a means of execution for Sun Bing that will have the power to terrorize and serve as a warning to his unruly adherents.”
I looked over at that swine and saw telltale flashes in his eyes light up his cadaverous face, like steel fresh from the furnace. His strange little hands, which were resting on his knees, began to twitch like tiny animals, and I knew that was not because the swine was frightened, for I do not believe there is anything in this world that can intimidate a man who has taken the lives of a thousand human beings. I knew that excitement was the cause of the twitching hands, no different from that of a wolf when it sees its prey. A sinister glow filled his eyes, but humble, submissive words emerged from his mouth. The swine may be a coarse, uncultured executioner, but his knowledge of Qing officialdom is bewilderingly extensive. He succeeds in things by keeping his inadequacies hidden, seizing his prey by feigning to let go, and pretending to be dull-witted. “Excellency,” he said as he bowed his head, “your humble servant is a man of little refinement who carries out only those punishments deemed appropriate by his superiors.”
Excellency Yuan had a big laugh over that, and when he was finished, he said with a kindly smile, “Grandma Zhao, you are unwilling to devise anything particularly brutal since he is your qinjia. Am I right in that?”
The swine truly is a demonic creature, for he detected the vicious undertone in Excellency Yuan’s mocking comment and the fiendish expression masked by the smile. He jumped out of the Dragon Chair, fell to his knees, and said, “Your humble servant has said that he has returned home to live out his days and would not dare to usurp the prerogatives of the local tradesmen . . .”
“So that is what has been bothering you,” His Excellency said. “The abler one is, the more he ought to do.”
Well, that swine said, “Since His Excellency extends such magnanimity, your humble servant will display his inadequacies.”
“Tell me, then,” His Excellency said, “down through the ages, from dynasty to dynasty, what forms of