on the floor and said, “Eternal thanks to Your Excellency!”
“There is a popular adage that goes, ‘Do not hit someone in the face or reveal another’s shortcomings,’” he continued. “You struck him in the face without provocation and dislodged two teeth. If I were to simply absolve you of that, Grandma Zhao might well object. So here is what we shall do: You kowtow twice to Grandma Zhao and give him twenty ounces of silver to replace his missing teeth.”
Now you know, dear wife, the extent of the humiliation to which I was subjected today. But when I stand beneath low eaves, how can I not lower my head? So I steeled myself and once again fell to my knees, though it caused me excruciating pain to do so, and, as I saw red, gave that swine two kowtows.
The swine grinned as he accepted my obeisance and had the unmitigated gall to say, “Your Eminence, this humble servant is one of society’s poorest, lacking even rice for the next meal, so I look forward to receiving those twenty ounces of silver very soon.”
That got a big laugh out of Excellency Yuan. Yuan Shikai, Excellency Yuan, you son of a bitch, how dare you humiliate one of your subordinates by siding with a common executioner in front of a foreigner! I was an impressively successful double candidate at the metropolitan examination and am a respected representative of the Imperial government. I ask you, Excellency Yuan, by humiliating a man of letters, have you not inflicted emotional pain upon all who serve? On the surface it looks as if you and he together have humiliated only the insignificant Magistrate of Gaomi County, whereas in fact you have brought dishonor to the Great Qing Court. A sallow-faced interpreter repeated everything that was said in the hall to the Plenipotentiary, a man who can kill without blinking, and whose laughter drowned out even that of Excellency Yuan. Dear wife, they treated your husband like a trained chimp. Utter abasement and degradation! Let me drink, dear wife, until I am drunk and as good as dead. Excellency Yuan, has the reality that “you can kill a gentleman but you must not humiliate him” escaped you? Do not worry, dear wife, I have no desire to kill myself. Sooner or later I will sacrifice myself in the cause of the Great Qing enterprise, but now is not the time.
That swine, having received the tacit approval of Excellency Yuan, sat proudly in his sandalwood chair, while I stood off to one side, like a common yayi. An overwhelming sense of indignation filled my heart, and heated blood rushed to my head. My ears were buzzing, my hands seemed to swell, and it was all I could do to keep from throttling that swine. But knowing what a coward I am, that was not to be. Instead, I tucked in my head, raised my shoulders, and managed a forced smile. I am a shameful, debased, contemptible, disgraced clown, dear wife, the most pathologically restrained person anywhere. Do you hear me, dear wife?
Excellency Yuan asked that swine, “Has it really been almost a year since we parted at Tianjin, Grandma?”
“Eight months, Excellency,” the swine replied.
“Do you know why we invited you here?” Excellency Yuan asked him.
“No, Excellency, your humble servant does not,” the swine replied.
“Do you know why Her Royal Highness requested an audience?” Excellency Yuan asked.
“Your humble servant heard from Grand Steward Li that Excellency Yuan spoke highly of your humble servant to Her Royal Highness Herself.”
“You and I are tied together by fate,” Excellency Yuan said.
“Your humble servant will remember Your Excellency’s benevolence to the end of his days,” the swine said as he got out of his chair to kowtow to Excellency Yuan; he then sat down again.
Excellency Yuan said, “I have asked you here today to perform another task for me—and, of course, for the Imperial Court.”
“What task does Your Excellency wish your humble servant to perform?” the swine asked.
The great man laughed. “You are a damned executioner. What do you think it could be?”
The swine replied, “Your humble servant must be honest with Your Excellency. Ever since the executions at Tianjin, an infirmity of the wrist has made holding a knife impossible.”
Excellency Yuan merely sneered. “If you can lift the Dragon Chair, a mere knife cannot present a problem. I can only hope that, in the wake of an audience with Her Royal Highness, you have not actually become a Buddha.”