“The reality is so different to what I thought it was.”
A bitter laugh escapes his lips. “Well, that’s the show. That is what we do. We’re actors when it comes to our personal lives, and it’s so stupid. It’s not like we can’t do good work and be human at the same time. But that’s not what the public wants to believe. They want all of our stories to be like Christian and Clementine or Liz and Roman.”
“But those love stories are real, Xander,” I say, lifting my head and gazing up at him. “You deserve to have that, too, if that’s what you want.”
He shifts his gaze back to the fireplace, the flames now roaring and flickering madly around the log.
“I know,” he says softly. “That’s what made me change my mind about India.”
I hold my breath. I wonder how much he will tell me about her.
“You appeared to be serious,” I say gently. “Were you?”
“Let me explain my whole Xander the Philanderer period of my life, so the India part makes more sense.”
“Okay.”
“My whole life has been laid out for me, you know, since I was born. Once I reached eighteen, my parents began laying out my life, both of them in different areas. For your gap year, you go to X country—that would be good politics. Then you’ll go to university, but you need to go to one in Scotland, as this would be a great political move for our relationship with them. Then join the navy, and next, you’ll find a nice aristocratic wife and prepare to become king for the next fifty years of your life. I was trapped. I had to find a way out. Partying? Fun and disruptive. Women? A beautiful diversion. I used those things to escape the idea of sitting for four years in a university I didn’t even pick and studying topics I had no interest in. To escape going into the navy when I wanted the army. I have PPOs with me twenty-four hours a day—do you have any idea what it’s like to have a shadow at all times because someone might try to kill you? I’m rarely alone—only at times like this. I’m supposed to watch what I do and what I say and how I act because any misstep can ruin the show. I became a fast car determined to crash. I was so out of control that I forced them to meet some of my terms.”
I suck in a breath, as I understand now how much of himself Xander has had to give up. Or have controlled by other people.
His choices in life have been few.
Yet, I have been one of them.
Emotions for this man swirl in my heart, and I reach for his hand and link my fingers through it.
“You were a young man with way too much pressure on your shoulders. A lot of kids rebel without a tenth of what you’ve had to deal with. That’s not unique to you. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“You’re generous. But I was a philanderer, Poppy. And because of my selfishness, my sheer stupidity, I’m going to have to prove to the entire kingdom that I am worthy of being their king one day. That I’m more than a playboy who loved to pub crawl and chase girls. I have to prove it not only for myself, but for the monarchy to survive into the future. I saw the response to Christian, to how mature he was, and how suited he seemed for this life. That hit me. My younger brother had grown up. It was time for me to do the same.”
Admiration grows within me. “It takes a strong man to self-reflect like that.”
His eyes shine brightly from the praise. “Thank you for saying that.”
“It’s true,” I say. “It’s not easy to look in the mirror. But you did. And you changed.”
Xander clears his throat. “I sat down with my father because I was feeling lost. And he repeated what he’s been telling me for years, but I was too stubborn to listen to. He always told me the monarchy has opportunities for me to be a great man and do great things if I get out of my own way to achieve them. It took me a long time to see that, but now I do. So part of that change was leaving the military. The other was to find a wife.”
“You saw that as a logical step instead of finding love,” I