I went there after the interview because I told Surfline that I’m not retiring.”
The angst is like a rope being tightened around my insides. “I knew it.”
He holds up his hand. “Lindsay, listen. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I—”
“What have you been thinking about?”
His eyebrows scrunch up in confusion. “About me retiring.”
“About you retiring? About you? Is that all you ever think about?”
He stares at me for a moment before he turns away to face the wall. “This is so fucked up.”
“That’s one way to put it,” I reply, clutching my belly as an uncomfortable heat builds at the base of my abdomen. “Adam, you’ve been living your dream for nine years. For nine years, you’ve been the comeback kid, traveling the world to exotic locations, being adored by fans, not for being a great husband or father. For being one of the best surfers in the world. When will it be my chance to be more than a wife and mother?”
He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he runs his fingers through his hair. “I fucked up.”
“Why do you keep saying that?”
He shakes his head, still clutching his hair. “I got in a fight with Yuri.”
The dread in my belly grows into a painful, burning knot. “What happened with Yuri? What did you do?”
He takes a few breaths before he sits up and turns around to face me. “I was at Yuri’s with Lena.”
“Oh, God,” I whisper. “I don’t want to know. Just get out.”
“No, you don’t understand. It’s not what you think.”
I cover my face to stop him from seeing my tears. He doesn’t deserve my tears. “Just get out!” I shout, my voice coarse with anger as bile rises into my throat. “Get out.”
“Lindsay, baby.” He touches my hand and I feel as if I could vomit.
“Don’t touch me!” I cry, roughly pushing his hand away. “Don’t you fucking touch me. Get out!” I cover my face again because I can’t bear to look at him. “I knew this would happen. I’m so fucking stupid.”
“Nothing happened, Lindsay. Please listen to me.”
“Get out,” I whisper, my entire body trembling with rage as my heart breaks. “Get out, Adam. You make me sick.”
Sixteen
I step into the hotel lobby in a daze. I don’t have any luggage or any clue how long I’ll be here. I’m a man with no home. A rootless drifter.
The skinny guy in the suit behind the counter smiles at me. “Good evening, sir. Do you have a reservation I can look up?”
I shake my head. “I… I just need a room.”
“Of course,” he replies, with way too much pep for this time of night. “Will it be just you or are there any other guests staying with you?”
I look at him almost incredulously, as if he can’t tell by the cloud of misery hanging over my head that I’m completely alone. “Just me,” I mutter.
“Would you like a junior suite, a deluxe suite, or a grand deluxe suite?”
I sigh, unable to believe that I have to answer such inane questions at a time like this. “I don’t fucking care. Just give me a room that’s not facing the beach. That’s all I ask.”
“Yes, sir.”
He takes my credit card and driver’s license, then slides them back to me with the room key as he points me in the direction of the elevators. I trudge across the lobby, suddenly aware of how much space I’m taking up. I feel enormous and small at the same time. As if I’m stepping through a world of my own creation with endless possibilities from here on out, where I am the center of gravity, everything revolving around me. Yet, I also feel minuscule. As if I’ve fallen into a bottomless well, the whole world disappearing into the distance somewhere far above me, with every person I’ve ever known continuing with their lives as if I no longer exist.
Somewhere out there, Kaia and Mila are sleeping peacefully, completely unaware that their father isn’t sleeping a few feet away from them, ready to protect them at any moment. Just a few blocks away from this hotel, Yuri and Lena are probably still fighting, not at all preoccupied with where I am or how I’m doing. The only person out there in this whole fucking world who I know is thinking about me right now is Lindsay. She also happens to be the one person who has every right to wipe me from her thoughts after everything