to know I regret it. I regret that I made you cut your hair. I regret causing you such pain. You were right. Perhaps I should have taken notes from that jerk.” He swallowed and smiled faintly. “Perhaps, then, I’d qualify for a crumb of your affection.” His dark gaze clouded with traces of something akin to vulnerability.
Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. “Don’t.” I gulped, and whispered more to myself than to him, “Alessandro, you hurt me so badly.”
Something flashed in his eyes and his features sank into a tormented expression. “Cara, you hurt me too...your constant coldness and rejection fucking hurt.”
I gave him an arrested glance. “What did you expect from me? You were mean. You were cruel.”
“I think I expected too much, tesoro...I hoped you'd understand how things stood without me having to tell you.”
“But why?” I couldn't comprehend. “You could have talked to me and explained everything. I'm not stupid. I would have understood the risk if I knew there was so much danger. You could have been...kinder.”
“I know,” he said quietly with a small nod. “I know I fucking ruined everything. I was stubborn and I wouldn't swallow my pride in front of a woman who treated me with such animosity. Instead, I kept waiting for you to come around and reciprocate my feelings.”
“Your feelings?” I repeated quietly.
“That's right, cara...my feelings,” he revealed. “The same feelings that made me save you. The same feelings that made me fall in love with you.”
“You were in love with me?” I blurted out in a baffled voice.
His eyes sparkled. “Is that so difficult to believe?”
“In the light of everything you've done, it seems impossible,” I said in all honesty.
“But it's true. I loved you despite the fact we came from very different worlds. You fantasized about sweet and vanilla and I couldn't give you that. I needed you so badly to love me and accept me for who I truly was. But all you wanted was for me to let you go, and I couldn't do that. I’d already given you up once, and I just couldn't do it a second time.” He gulped and his features settled into a painful expression. “I hoped the fact that I made you my wife would mean something and you’d grow to love me again, but you didn't. You just kept distancing yourself further and further when I needed you like I needed air to breathe, but I wouldn't give in before you did.”
“I was trying to hold onto my sanity. How do you think I felt after all those nights you came to my room only to leave the second you were finished?”
“I don't know, cara. How did you feel?” he demanded softly.
“I felt used and dirty, and I cried myself to sleep every single time.” My voice broke with emotion, and I pushed back the tears that wanted to emerge.
Alessandro approached me and crouched to my level, taking hold of my hands.
“Olivia, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, grazing his lips over my knuckles. “I couldn't have imagined my absence after intimacy caused you so much pain. I thought you wanted it that way.”
I cast him an incredulous glance. “What woman in her right mind would want to be treated with so little care and respect?”
He winced like I had said something that hurt him. “What can I say? There is no excuse for my insensitivity. There were times I wanted to stay, but my pride wouldn't let me. The fact I kept demonstrating I couldn't keep my hands to myself was humiliating enough and my ego really couldn't take one more blow from you, tesoro,” he whispered and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, they shimmered with a strange sense of sadness. “Nevertheless, I should’ve known better. I should have put you first and everything else aside, but I was very selfish. I didn't know how to appreciate you without expecting something in return.”
I flung him what I hoped was a leveled stare, and eased my hands from his hold. “But you’re still expecting something in return, aren't you, Alessandro?” I challenged.
“No, cara. I have absolutely no expectations.” He smiled sadly and brushed his fingers along my hair. “I realized love was supposed to be unconditional.”
“And what made you come to that realization?”
His face settled into a mysterious expression. “You know how they say your entire life flashes before your eyes when you're about to die?”