My shoulder pushes back with the power of the gun, jumping away from the bullet propelling forward in slow motion. It flies through air with the soft sound of silence, the catch of every breath in the room wrapping around my spine like a poison.
Only this time she doesn’t move.
There are no quick moving feet to shift her body in front of mine.
No selfless act of love.
How could it be that way?
I’m on the other side of the room. My feet planted in the very spot Marcus’ were.
Only, I am him. He is me. We’re one and the same and she can’t protect me from that reality.
I will myself to scream, to yell at her to move. But my mouth remains comfortably closed, watching on in expectation.
My warped perception has me believe I could reach out and take it back. Catch the lead bullet in my hand and keep it there forever. In a place that could never cause her harm.
Except I don’t. I watch my perfect aim penetrate my aunt’s skull. The center of her forehead pierced by my very own bullet.
The heartache in her eyes flashes like fireworks. Bright blues of sadness. Apple greens of terror. Pulsating reds of rage. A rainbow of regret blinding me. The emotional explosion pushed aside only by her acceptance. She knew this was her ending. That her death would be my doing, her blood forever staining my hands.
I wake on a shout. My apology balancing on the tip of my bleeding tongue, the acquiescence in Mira’s eyes tattooed into the forefront of my mind. A place it will stay for eternity.
I can feel my heart pounding against my breastbone. It begs me with every tortured beat for escape against the agony of living within me. I can’t say the feeling isn’t mutual. If I could rip it from my chest cavity with my very own hands, I would. I’d squeeze the organ forcing me to continue living until it stuttered in my palm. I’d watch it bleed and I’d smile, knowing that my agony was finally over. I’d die in peace. Which is more than I deserve, but I’d take it anyway.
I push against my chest, hand open, massaging my hateful heart into calm.
Awake, I can direct my thoughts away from the ghosts of my past.
I can pretend that it was Marcus that killed Mira. That my quest for vengeance wasn’t what powered that final bullet.
I can pretend that I’m not coated with the blood of responsibility. That if I’d listened to her maybe her life would’ve been spared.
I can pretend that she doesn’t regret giving her life to save mine.
Tiny lies that flutter through my conscience with force. They live on the precipice of life and death every day. Waiting patiently for a hint of weakness that will let them shrivel up into nothing, leaving me with nothing but the bitter taste of the truth. If that moment doesn’t come in the light of day, my lies relish the night when they can finally leave. The truth is too potent to overcome when I have no choice but to sleep. The deeper crevices of my mind open, a tsunami of reality crashing through me, making me face the real world once again.
Bile rushes up my throat, the acidic reminder of my worst failures burning me from the inside out. I swallow it back down, knowing I deserve the pain.
I often wonder how long I can survive like this? My mind hellbent on killing me, on rotting me from the inside out. Poetic, isn’t it? Murdering myself with guilt. The only solace I can take from that notion is that it will be a horribly slow way to die.
Chapter Two
Rocco
Once upon a time, I thought my mom and dad were invincible. Kane and Lila Shay. They were my very own superheroes. Immortal. Two people I believed would stay by my side forever.
What is it that encourages us to believe that our parents will never leave? Possibly their constant reassurance that no matter what you do or who you are, they’ll continue to love you. Their affection comes without judgment, without condition. It’s resolute. Add that to the fact that love is the most powerful commodity in this world and there you have it, invincibility.
What a load of shit.
I was trained for sixteen years to believe that life was good. That it was fair. That I was loved unconditionally. My belief system wasn’t gradually twisted into the hate inside of my heart today.