On the contrary, it was ripped from me with so much force it’s surprising I ever regained the ability to stand on my own again. I was pushed, unwillingly, into survival mode. Forced to pick myself up after my heart, my spirit, my mind had been broken down until all that was left was the rotting taste of rejection and disappointment.
My life irrevocably changed the day Marcus Dempsey and Sarah Rein decided my mother needed to die. It set off a timeline of events that seemed to plunge me farther into the depths of hell. I’m not gonna lie, from that moment, I went willingly. I dug my way into the very purgatory I now live in and taught myself this was real life. The pain I live within. This is what life actually feels like. Not the fairy tale my mother gifted me for sixteen years. No, that was designed to make sure I felt the agony of life in all its glory. The nightmare that was always meant to be.
“Marcus is dead,” I tell her. “Dominic killed him. Imagine that, a Rein saving a Shay.”
The gravestone mocks me, staring back at me in eerie silence. I shift uncomfortably at the bite of wind rushing over my skin. Moving forward I rearrange the white roses resting against the stale gray of her headstone.
“Maybe you know that or maybe not. I’d bet my own life that he ain’t with you. In heaven, or wherever the afterlife has taken you.”
My cell buzzes in my pocket, but I ignore the persistent vibration against my thigh. “I’m tryin’ to find some semblance of peace in the fact that he’s gone. That’s what I wanted. Revenge. Retribution. It’s what I hurt everyone I love searchin’ for. Don’t get me wrong,” I apologize. “I’m happy as fuck that piece of shit is dead. I’m just not sure that in the end, it was worth everythin’ we lost.” The regret in my tone is potent and I cough to clear my throat.
The last few months play like a constant loop in my head. A horror film I’d prefer to forget. One I played a leading fucking role in. Only I wasn’t the hero or the villain. I was the fucking idiotic errand boy. Too stupid to see the bigger picture, still powerful enough to cause catastrophic damage.
“Park’s good.” I changed the subject. “Happy. His woman is good people, you’d never believe she was related to Marcus. I guess in the end it’s nurture over nature, probably why I never stood a chance.” I exhale heavily at the melancholy in my voice. “You’d like her. A lot.” A bark of laughter escapes my lips and I sigh loudly. “She’s a lot like you. Kind. Happy. Thoughtful. All fuckin’ sunshine and rainbows.”
I could imagine her smiling at that. Her white teeth on show, gray eyes dancing in joy. It makes my chin wobble involuntarily, pissing me off.
“How did I not see it?” Head tipped back, I let the piercing temperature of raindrops fall against my face. Hoping like hell it camouflages the tears pooling in my eyes. “It was right in front of my eyes this whole time. Right. Fucking. There.”
I wait patiently for her to speak to me, but of course, there’s nothing but the sound of the wind whipping along my eardrums. “How did Kane not see it? How did your fucking husband not see his closest friend was responsible for everything?”
Turning my head to scan the empty cemetery, my eyes fall along the rows of stones similar to my mother’s. Flowers are scattered amongst them; some fresh, others that have been left to rot into the earth. How many people have done what I’m doing right now? How many men and women have had to sit at the gravestone of a loved one and apologize for failing them so irrefutably?
“Imagine she’s with you.” My voice cracks and I scrub my hands roughly along my face. “That’s what I’m hopin’ anyway. Only thing that’s keeping me breathin’ right now.”
Coughing to clear my throat, I growl, blinking to let my tears mingle with the rain touching my cheeks. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Mom. Tell her I’m sorry, would you? I know it means shit, but, please, just tell her I’m sorry.” I suck in a desperate breath, trying to control the emotion wracking through my body but failing. Miserably. An agonized cry falls from my mouth and I rip at the grass surrounding me. “Fuck.”