What he can’t say to you, he can write down. Maybe that letter isn’t all bullshit. Maybe it’s all true. He regrets your leaving, he hates that you’ve distracted him, and he needs your help.”
“And what if he killed your family, your father… What if that was him?”
“Our family. Well, if he did, you’ll be right beside him to deliver the justice he deserves.”
“I’m not going back to Loreen.”
“Niko, look me in the eyes and tell me you can forget him, forget everything, and let whatever happens in Loreen happen without you. Tell me that.”
He leaned closer, meeting his aunt’s gaze. “I’m not going back. If he wants me to go back there, he can come and ask me himself.”
Roksana sighed and conceded with a nod. “All right. Then I suppose I’ll have to go.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s who we are. We’ve always protected the flame. That ring on your finger, that means you’ll keep the flame safe.”
Niko tore the ring free and tossed it at his aunt. She caught it with a frown. “I’ve given enough.”
She turned the ring over and flicked her dark gaze up to Niko. “Your grandfather gave you this for a reason. He loved Leila. He loved us all, but he loved her more. She tried to convince him to go north, to stand beside the Cavilles in a war she was adamant was coming. He refused, claiming the Cavilles should beg for his help, and then she was gone. She left her ring too. It broke his heart. When it was clear she wasn’t coming back, I went after her, met Vasili, who was interested in forming an alliance, but we couldn’t find Leila. And then the war did come… the rest you know. Leila would want you to have her ring, and she’d want you and me to help Vasili, because she cared.”
She handed it back.
The ring shone in his palm once more, seemingly heavier for all the history it carried. “It’s not fair that she’s not here now.”
“Life isn’t fair.”
Niko rubbed his face, trying to clear his thoughts. “He gets inside my head. I can’t think around him. I know what he is… but I still…” He swallowed. “There’s parts of him I hate, and then there’s this part of him I’d do anything for. I think…” He shuddered a sigh. “I think that’s the part that scares me. I don’t understand why I’m so wrapped up in him. He’s an asshole. I hate him, I just…” He slumped forward, burying his face in his hands. Most of the time he wanted to wrap his fingers around Vasili’s throat and throttle him, and mean it, but there was that small need to protect him, to keep him safe, to fight the whole world for him. It was that need which terrified Niko. “Roksana, I hate how he lies all the time. I hate how he measures people by how useful they are to him. But by the three, I can’t stop thinking about the real Vasili, the man he keeps hidden, but it’s not even just that. The dark side of him—it ties me in knots, and gods, I need that too. I thought I loved Julian, but it was Vasili in my head the whole time. Do you know how fucked up that makes me?”
When Niko finally lifted his head, Roksana was close enough to look him in the eyes. “For what it’s worth, I may not have known you long, but hiding isn’t you. You need to go to Vasili, tell him everything you just told me, and see what he does.”
“He’ll laugh, and we’ll fight, because he’s a cruel son of a bitch.”
She tipped her glass and chinked it with his. “That letter is an open invitation to go to him, if you want. It’s up to you what happens next. But you need to draw a line under it, either way, or it’ll drive you out of your mind.”
If he went back, it would all start over until he killed Vasili or Vasili got him killed. He still wasn’t entirely sure whether the suicidal carriage ride had been designed to finish him off or if the beasts were Vasili’s creation.
Vasili’s world wasn’t Niko’s. It never had been. It never could be.
He sucked in a deep breath and shoved to his feet, then grabbed for the chair as the room spun again.
“Here.” Roksana held out the rum bottle. “You’ll need it.”
Maybe he’d find answers at the bottom of it. Or maybe