wiggled around the office in snug Hudsons and tight t-shirts, ready with a “Hello, Sassy Pants” and a frisky smile for everyone. Karl and Naomi got the royal treatment with a “that outfit looks gorgeous, Hot Stuff” and a finger wave, threatening to “eat them” if they persisted in looking “so tasty.” Sincere? I hadn’t a clue. Most of the time, I wondered what he was up to. In any event, he provided sure-fire office entertainment on a daily basis.
“Well, Jane, you coming?” Danny said, in his sing-song timbre, tapping his toes. “I’m your date for our big meeting.” “In a minute, uh, thanks.” I was wholly unable to match his enthusiasm. Besides, his idea of a big meeting was me, him, and Karl. “Oh, Danny, did you input the photos of the girls yet? The editor keeps asking me for them.”
“Soon, Babes! Got to grab my snack.” He scurried to the kitchen to fetch his daily mango yogurt. “BTW, love your hair today!” he shouted. “Very Paris, sans extensions.”
I had come to learn that getting Danny to actually work, per his job description of “show researcher,” was an impossible task. It was magic how he put off anything that resembled real labor, but continued with his playful ass-kissing and maneuvering to maintain Karl’s good side. This he was genius at.
Tired of being usurped by my assistant, I entered the boardroom prepared to impress. My contract was up in a month and I needed some financial security. Time to out-kiss the office’s biggest ass-kisser! My plan was to remind Karl of his three Emmy nominations from the late 90’s—a little factoid I dug up and something that had yet to be mentioned during my time at the shop. And that was just my warm-up.
“Hi, guys,” I started. “Hey, Karl. I wanted to congrat—”
“Fancy you.” Danny had slipped into the boardroom from behind me, plopping himself down beside Karl, whom he was already addressing. “Did you get that at the Barney’s sample sale? That’s hot on you.”
“This old thing!” Karl winked. “I just picked it up at. . .”
My moment was lost to Señor Gay Camp. Next to this guy, I was Debbie Downer. How was I supposed to compete with the master? But for Naomi, I would long ago have been replaced by a big beautiful gay man. For the last month, she was so buried in developing a top-secret pilot that I’d only seen her through the glass of her door. This didn’t bode well for my future employment, so I decided that, rather than interrupt Karl’s dissertation on his lame shirt, I’d pretend to be as interested as Danny.
Then Karl dropped his smile and addressed me. “Down to business, girls. We need to record all of Lucy’s flare-ups from now on. This can’t continue.”
“Huh?” I said, feeling once again on the outside of a big secret. “I’m sorry, Karl. What can’t continue? I thought you were happy with the show.”
“Jane, it’s really quite simple. Lucy could ruin the franchise. This has been a long time coming. Bottom line, we can’t have a drug-addict and neurotic representing us. We’ve already found a replacement host and I need Lucy out. In order to do that, legally, we need proof that she’s impossible to work with, which I understand from Danny and from comments you’ve made to Danny, is quite true.”
Since my first week disaster, my motto had been: “Eyes open, mouth shut, and just say no to air-kisses, except for Robert.” But Karl had just given me carte blanche to reverse the mouth mandate, so I began, unimpeded. “Oh my God, Karl, she’s made my life a living hell. Drug addict? Now it all makes sense! I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it. She’s berated me, humiliated me, she’s—”
“Okay!” he said, cutting me off. “This isn’t Gossip Girl. I just need you to ask the cameraman to roll on her indiscretions, whether they’re towards you,” Karl peered down his nose, “or anyone else. Roll on it, time code it, mark the tape. Then we take it all to Legal.”
“Got it. Sorry. I got carried away. It could be a much better show without someone thwarting the crew. Thanks,” I said, shriveling inside my skin. “That all?” I stood up to leave, knowing Karl and Danny liked to chat alone after a good hearty meeting. To think I thought I could out ass-kiss Danny.
“No,” Karl said. “Jane, one more thing.”
I looked around, slightly cowering, as if Karl might throw a