Raine (Gods of the Fifth Floor #2) - M.V. Ellis Page 0,91
fucked a bunch of times and had a little ‘heart-to-heart’ session, I didn’t mean what I said before then?”
Her eyes instantly brimmed with tears at my words, triggering a pang of something in my icy chest. Pain? Regret? Guilt? Indigestion?
“I guess so.”
“Yeah, well what happened between us last night was a regrettable lapse in judgement on my part. Another regrettable lapse. But what I said before that still stands. The guys warned me that this shit would get messy and I didn’t listen, because I never do. They were right, and I’m finally ready to see sense.”
“Does that extend to other areas of your life?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know, and I don’t need to know. Just empty your desk and take your shit down to the creative floor.”
“It means I think you should stop avoiding the specialist. Contact them. Go see them. You need help. It’s the only way you’re going to beat this thing.”
“I said I don’t want to know.”
“You know what? I don’t care. Fire me if you like. You’re halfway there as it is, anyway, so fuck it.” She threw her hands up to emphasize her words. “Guess what, Raine Davies? You don’t have the monopoly on pain, or hurt. You don’t even have the monopoly on losing siblings in one way or another. Or on regret. Or guilt.” What the fuck was she talking about?
“Other people have been through shit too, I have. But you don’t see me giving up and waiting to die. Or worse still, trying to make it happen. As hard as it is, I get out of bed every day, put one foot in front of the other, and keep doing it day in, day out. Maybe you should man up and do the fucking same.” She stopped then, clamping both hands over her mouth, her eyes wide.
I stared at her long and hard for an extended time.
“Sit down.” She dragged her hands through her hair roughly.
“Sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. You’re right. This situation is... unprofessional. I overstepped. I won’t do it again.” She was still standing.
“Jesus, Noa. I said sit the fuck down.”
She was right about the unprofessional nature of our relationship. Apart from the whole fucking and spilling my guts part, she had a chronic case of insubordination. Finally, she sat.
“What did you mean, I’m not the only one who’s been through that shit? What are you talking about?” She stared down at her hands, silently refusing to make eye contact. “I said. What. Did. You. Mean?” I guessed she had no idea how close I was to flipping my shit, or else she would have answered instead of sitting in front of me in silence. She was pressing every one of my buttons, and then some..
“Forget I ever said anything.” She looked into the middle distance.
“That’s not going to happen. Spill.”
“I’d really rather not say. Besides, if I’m not fired, I have a stack of work to do. I need to get back to it.” She started to stand.
“Noa. I’m warning you. Patience has never been a virtue for me.” Not that I had any virtues, I was an all-vice kind of a guy. “Don’t push me.” The bang of my fist pounding the desk made her jump physically.
She sighed heavily before meeting my gaze. I hadn’t realized she was crying, but both cheeks were stained with mascara, and the tears were still flowing. It took every ounce of strength I had not to go to her and dry those tears.
“I’m a youngest child, like Lily. Well, I was.” She paused again, and I didn’t push her this time. “I lost my brothers. Both of my brothers to suicide, less than two years apart.”
Jesus. What?
“Lono was like what you said about Lily. He was one of those guys who lit up any room he walked into. He just had this energy that radiated from him and spread to other people, and drew them to him. He was funny as all hell, too. I always used to say his wit was his superpower. He could make anything and anyone feel better with laughter.
“When he joined the Air Force, we were so proud. He was already a hero to us, but this was kind of like the official stamp of approval from the rest of the world. He was out there making a difference—saving lives, and helping to make the world a better place.