Raine (Gods of the Fifth Floor #2) - M.V. Ellis Page 0,90
down to its bones, I was jealous and resentful of him. He was always so perfect—straight A student, popular, a nice guy, and so fucking talented with his art, it wasn’t even funny. He was one of those kids people just gravitated to, and it was obvious from day one he was destined for big things, even if my parents refused to see or acknowledge it.”
“A little sibling rivalry doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s totally normal. You might have felt like you hated him on occasion, but deep down, I’m sure you loved him. Love him.”
“I did, and like I said, I still do, but if I’m totally honest, I resented her a little too. Lily, I mean. They both had their place in the family—Zach being the eldest, and all the things you’d expect from an older brother, while Lily was the youngest, and the quintessential kid sister, in the best possible way.” The way he spoke about his sister, with such fondness, but so heavily tinged with guilt and regret, made my heart ache for him. Actually, for all three of them.
“She was cute as a fucking button, and just about the sweetest person on the planet. And she was always so peppy and full of energy—one of those people whose cup wasn’t just half full, but brimming over. She’d do anything to cheer someone else up, or make them happy, so she was also insanely popular at school, but not in a bitchy Mean Girls way. She was a talented dancer and gymnast—she led the cheer squad, all of that stuff.” He looked off into the distance again, and for a moment I thought he might not carry on.
“And there I was in the middle of those two, with no real place, no special talents to set me apart. I wasn’t as smart as Zach, or as nice as Lily, and didn’t have any particular talents—unless smoking, drinking and fucking until my dick hurt were considered talents. I was just nothing. You know what I think?”
“What?” I braced myself for the worst. Somehow I knew I wasn’t going to like what he was about to say.
“They lost the wrong child that day, in more ways than one. I should have died instead of her. I should have gone to jail instead of him. They had two good, kind, perfect kids, and me. Why was I the one who got off scot free?”
“You might not have been killed or gone to prison, but from what I can see, you’re anything but free.” I cocked my head thoughtfully as I looked at him for an extended moment. “Can I ask you a question?”
“No.”
I didn’t know why I’d bothered seeking his permission when I knew he’d say no, and that I’d ask regardless. “Is what you just told me the reason you do it all?”
“Do what?”
“The drink, the drugs, that letter from the specialist. Everything. Is all of this guilt and baggage the reason you’re so intent on slowly killing yourself?”
“No. I’m doing it slowly because I don’t have the balls to do it fast.”
“I don’t believe that for a moment. You want to know what I think?”
“No.”
“It’s not because you don’t have the balls. It’s because you’re not ready to die, but you’re waiting for someone to give you a reason to live.”
Chapter 35
Raine
* * *
“What are you doing here?”
“Huh?” Seemingly deep in thought about something on her screen, she clearly hadn’t heard me approach her desk, so had been startled by the sound of my voice.
“I said. What. Are. You. Doing. Here?” I enunciated as though she was deaf, or stupid, or both.
“I’m working. I don’t know—”
“So, you’re either hard of hearing, or hard of thinking, because I distinctly remember telling you that you no longer have a job here. You need to be sitting in the Creative Department. Angie is already organizing your replacement, just like I said she would.” Noa looked like a fish out of water, but said nothing. “My office. Now.” I strode ahead of her, and flung myself behind my desk. “Close the door.”
She did as she was told, then approached my desk herself, but didn’t sit.
“I’m sorry, I just assumed—”
“I would have thought by now that you would know not to assume anything where I’m concerned. Besides, I gave you explicit instructions, so there should be no room for assumptions.”
“But that was before we...I just thought—”
“What did you think?” I dropped my voice to a vicious hiss. “That because we