Raine (Gods of the Fifth Floor #2) - M.V. Ellis Page 0,103
forgive and forget if you can, and I hear there may be something we can do with bone marrow?”
“You know more than I do at this point. I haven’t actually spoken to a doctor properly yet, I’ve been too out of it. But what I don’t understand is why you would do this. Any of this, after everything I’ve done. To you. To Lily. I took your sister’s life. I ruined yours. Why would you ever forgive me? And what the fuck am I supposed to forgive you for, exactly? You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“It’s simple, really. I want to do this because you’re still here, and I love you, and I want you to continue to piss me off until we’re both old and gray. And you should do it because forgiveness goes both ways. Plus, there was that punch, the last time I saw you.”
“Yeah, well I deserved it, and way more besides, so that’s not even a thing.”
“Deserved or not, I shouldn’t have done it. I’m not gonna lie, though, it did feel good at the time. Terrible afterwards, but that’s what happens when we act impulsively. We have a lifetime for regrets.”
“You don’t need to tell me that. I’ve been living that nightmare since I was seventeen years old.”
“I know, and despite what I said the last time we saw each other, I also know you didn’t get off easy. Because no matter how much of an asshole you could be at times then, and by all accounts still are now, you have a conscience, and for someone with a conscience to get up every day and face himself—like you said, look at himself in the mirror—after what happened, that’s fucking tough.” I looked at Raine. He was nodding slowly as tears rolled down the side of his face and onto his hospital-issue pillow. I squeezed his hand reassuringly, hoping he knew it meant I was there for him every step of the way.
“I lost a lot, you know that as well as I do, but what I realize is that in serving time, I got closure in a weird kind of way. Not that there’s a day or minute that goes by when I don’t think about Lily and what happened, but jail helped me on the road to forgiving myself. I’m not there yet, but I’m closer than I think I would be if I was in your situation.”
A single tear slid down Zed’s cheek too. It was hard to watch those two strong, larger-than-life men crumple that way, but it was clearly a healthy step on the way to rebuilding their relationship, and I had no doubt they’d both be better off for it.
“I don’t forgive myself, and I doubt I ever will. How can I? I killed my sister, and then let you take the fall. I’m a fucking monster.”
“She was our sister, and her death was an accident. A tragic fucking accident. One that we both had a hand in. You would never knowingly have done anything to hurt her, and neither would I, yet she died as a result of both our actions. And, yeah, I went to jail instead of you, but it’s taken me many years, and a lot of time in the boxing ring, to see that the real fault in all of this sits squarely with Lydia and Ben.”
“Mom and Dad?”
“Of fucking course. I mean think about it, what kind of parents treat one child like a pariah? What kind of parents sacrifice said outcast child to save another? You were a minor, don’t forget. Leaving me to rot in jail wasn’t your fucking choice to make. It was theirs.” His words echoed the things I’d said to Raine a few weeks earlier.
“Sure, you felt like a man, and you thought you acted like one, because we had our Lord of the Flies situation happening at home, but you weren’t. You were a kid, and neither of us should have been put in a position where what happened, could have happened. They let you down. They let me down. And most of all, they damned sure as hell let Lily down.”
As I looked between the two of them, so alike, with their blond eyelashes and tan cheeks damp with tears, I was again struck by how completely inappropriate it was for me to be witnessing such an intimate family moment. I wanted to leave, but I didn’t want to be the one to break the silence