the past. Now I understood why Jasmine had been so surprised by the head wound I’d received that night in the tunnel. Severed veins and nerves reconnected, bringing back sensation to places that had long gone numb.
The process was painful.
Slipping out of consciousness only when it became too much and I needed to escape the burning pins and needles along my limbs as blood flow returned, I was awake for most of the healing. I was awake when Layla sat down beside me with tears streaming from her eyes and told me that Zayne was gone.
A part of me had known that already, and she didn’t need to go into detail. Too much time had already passed. When Wardens died, their bodies went through the same process a human body did, except it happened much faster. Within a day, there’d be only bones left, and it had been many days. Zayne was gone. His laugh and the smile that never failed to cause my stomach and heart to do strange, wonderful things. His wry sense of humor and his kindness that set him apart from everyone I knew. His intelligence and unending loyalty. His fierce protectiveness that had been apparent before we’d been bonded, something that had annoyed me as much as it had strengthened me. His body and bones and beautiful face... All of it gone before I even regained consciousness.
I screamed.
I screamed when I looked around the room and didn’t see his spirit or ghost, stuck in the horrible place of being both relieved and devastated.
I screamed until my voice gave out and my throat was on fire. I screamed until I could no longer make a sound. I screamed until I thought of the senator and finally, truly understood how deep of a cut this kind of pain could make. How it could lead a person to do anything, utterly anything, to bring their loved one back.
I screamed, realizing that my decision to hold him back, to keep him outside, might have led to his death just as much as falling in love with him had, maybe even more. That it had felt wrong, and I should’ve known, should not have tried to convince myself that what was right could feel wrong. I’d never know whether the outcome would’ve been different if he’d gone in with us, or if that would’ve resulted in an earlier death.
I screamed until it became too much, until there was a sharp sting along my arm and then there was nothing but darkness until I awoke again, only to realize that purgatory was being trapped with grief and sorrow and anger.
Gabriel had been right about one thing. I was bitter and vengeful. I wanted retribution against the archangel and even God for creating a rule that had ultimately weakened Zayne, but I wanted Zayne back more, and there had to be a way. This couldn’t be it. I refused to accept it. I couldn’t. Not when I thought of how he’d said he’d go to the ends of the Earth to find me if I was taken. How he’d sworn he’d stop at nothing to get me back, even from the clutches of death.
The pain of my bones and skin repairing themselves became a fuel. Bringing Zayne back was all I could think about. I didn’t talk to Roth or Layla when they checked on me, not after they’d told me that Zayne was gone. I didn’t even talk to Peanut when he ghosted in and out of the room.
I planned.
I planned, as day turned to night once more and the stars Zayne had thoughtfully plastered to the ceiling started to glow softly. Constellation Zayne. My heart shattered all over again. Tears welled, but they didn’t fall. I didn’t think it was possible to cry anymore. The well was empty. Just like my chest, where the bond had once resided, but it was slowly filling back up with a storm of emotions. Some hot. Some ice-cold. I knew, as I stared at those stars, that I was no longer the same. The fight had broken me. The pain had shifted me. Zayne’s death had reshaped me.
And my plans breathed the life into me. I just needed my body to get on board.
A soft nudge at my arm drew my gaze. I was greeted with a flicker of a pink tongue.
I had no idea why Bambi was in bed with me, stretched out and pressed against my side like a dog, but when