in my hands and force him to look at me.
“You can’t change it dad, you can’t. If you live with this guilt for the rest of your life, it’ll kill you. I need you, I need you to pick yourself up for me. If you don’t, I’ll crumble too.”
“I don’t know how to pick myself up, I don’t even know where to start.”
“Do you love me daddy?”
His eyes widen and he rasps, “Baby girl, you’re my life.”
“Then you have to fix yourself for me, because if you sink too, I’m left alone. I don’t want to be alone.”
My voice comes out desperate and broken. His eyes well up again and he cups my cheeks in his hands. “I would never leave you alone, I’ll do anything to fix this Dash, just please don’t hate me...”
“I don’t hate you, it was a mistake. It was a mistake on both yours and Slade’s parts but it’s done. We can’t change it. I want so badly to just walk away and be angry at you both, but it won’t help me, I can’t let myself crumble and fall because I can’t let go. I have to get through this and so do you.”
“I don’t know how...”
“You have to try, you have to get out of this house. You have to forgive yourself.”
“She’s dead because of me,” he says, crying so hard his body shakes.
“You shouldn’t have gotten in that car drunk and Slade shouldn’t have driven while he was drunk either, but if you live with this guilt forever, it’ll eat you up. I miss her every day daddy, every day and I hate that she was taken away from me so early, but I forced myself to keep living. She wouldn’t want this for us. You made a mistake, yes it was a massive one and yes, you will likely never forgive yourself for it but you HAVE to keep going dad, you can’t do this forever.”
“I want to Dash, but every time I feel like I’m getting better, her face is in my mind…”
“She loved you, you were her sunshine. She wouldn’t want this for you. She would have forgiven you.”
He sobs harder and his body heaves. I hold him close.
“I’m so sorry Dash, so sorry.”
“I forgive you daddy, I do, part of me doesn’t want to, but I am going to let that go because you’re all I have and I need you.”
“I love you Dash,” he chokes out. “You are the only reason I’m still here.”
“I want you to fix yourself dad, I need you to…for me.”
He looks up at me with red, puffy eyes. “I’ll do anything to fix this, anything to make you see I’d die for you Dash.”
“I want you to come to my race this afternoon.”
His eyes widen and he immediately shakes his head.
“Dad, if you want to move on and pick yourself back up, you have to leave this house. I need you, I need your support and I want you there. If you want my forgiveness dad, you’ll do this for me. You’ll do it for her, because she would want you to be there for me. I know you let her down that night, but you don’t have to let her down now.”
It’s a low blow, I know, but I am getting desperate. My father stares at me for a long moment, then hangs his head and nods softly. It’s not much of a nod, but it’s there and my heart swells.
“You’ll come?”
He looks up at me, then takes a deep breath and stands. “I’ll come.”
I wrap my arms around him and rest my head on his chest. “It’s going to be ok, if it gets too much, I’ll understand if you leave.”
“I have to do this sometime, Dash. If it means my daughter’s forgiveness and love, I’d walk to the ends of the earth if she asked.”
I squeeze him tighter. “I love you dad, no matter what.”
“I love you too Dash, and god knows, I’m so dammed proud of you.”
~*~*~*~
I don’t know how my dad will go, but when I’m dressed in my racing gear and ready to go, I head back to pick him up. He’s standing out the front wearing black jeans and his old racing shirt. My heart swells with pride. I can see the anxiety in his face as he shifts nervously from one foot to the other. I pull the car up and get out, smiling at him. When he sees me, he smiles, but it’s