over.” Trainer Verlas tore her eyes from the horizon and shifted to look at her student.
Raia felt as if the sun were beaming at her, so intense were Trainer Verlas’s eyes. She thought she understood what Trainer Verlas was saying—she felt focused right now, as if she were absorbing as well as hearing every word Trainer Verlas said.
“I don’t think you will suffer that fate. You know who you are.”
Who am I? Raia wanted to ask. “I’m the girl who failed to become an augur.”
“That’s not it.”
“I’m the runaway who’s hiding from her family.”
“And?”
“I’m a student trying to become a rider, but I don’t know if I can. I’ve failed every task you’ve given me. I can’t even call my kehok back to me. I don’t know why you think I’d be ready to ride, except that you want me to so badly that it’s blinding you.”
Trainer Verlas’s eyes bored into hers with such intensity that Raia felt dizzy. “Don’t think about failing. Don’t think about winning. Just answer me this: What do you want, Raia?”
“To be free.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
“Why?”
“Because . . . because I’m afraid he’ll hurt me if I marry him.”
“And?”
“Isn’t that enough? I’ll be afraid every day. I won’t be happy.”
“Because you won’t have love? You won’t have your own special someone to hold you close at night, to whisper your secrets to, to tell you you’re beautiful?”
Raia shook her head. She hadn’t even thought of what she did want. She’d been so subsumed by fear of what she didn’t. “It’s not that I want to marry someone else. I don’t want to marry him.”
“You didn’t want to become an augur either.”
“I did!” Eventually. When she saw there was no other choice. When it seemed like the best choice. “But I failed. I disappointed my teachers and my family and—”
“And you felt a shred of relief, because that wasn’t the future for you,” Trainer Verlas pressed. “You felt a little bit free, because you hadn’t chosen the augurs. They chose you, based on a past life you don’t remember. And when you failed, you set yourself free. Life isn’t just about who you were—it’s about who you choose to be.”
“I didn’t want to fail! I worked hard, but I just didn’t have the talent—”
“It wasn’t you.”
“It wasn’t me,” Raia agreed. She’d never had the natural strength they expected her to have. Her instinct with auras was weak, and she’d never been able to hone it properly, the way the others did. She’d struggled, asking question after question about things her teachers believed should have been obvious, trying to understand why she couldn’t do what they asked of her, and it only became worse as she advanced through the levels. It had been a kind of relief to fail. But her family hadn’t felt that way.
“Why did you come to me?” Trainer Verlas asked.
“Because you’re the best,” Raia said promptly. And because I thought you might take me. You’re desperate. Like me.
“Why racing?”
Because I need the prize money. Because I have no other skills. Because it’s said anyone can become a racer. Because I have no other options. But she didn’t think those were the reasons Trainer Verlas wanted to hear. She opened her mouth to say something about the excitement of the races, the thrill of the crowd, the hunger for the prize. None of those words came out. Instead, she found herself saying, “Because I want something that’s mine. All my life, I’ve never gotten to choose. I didn’t pick my family. I didn’t want to become an augur. I never agreed to marry.”
She couldn’t read Trainer Verlas’s expression. She had no idea if this was the right answer or not. But Raia couldn’t seem to stop talking: “It’s not like I’ve dreamed of becoming a rider. I chose this because it was the best out of my terrible options. But . . . I chose it. Myself. And that matters. Doesn’t it? It should matter.”
Pushing off her knees, Trainer Verlas stood. “Yes, it should.” She limped to the cage. “Help me saddle him. You’re going to ride him, and I’m going to keep him from killing you.”
Raia jumped to her feet. “Wait—was that the right answer?”
“There isn’t a right answer. Anyone who says there is is lying.”
Free from his shackles, the lion lunged at Trainer Verlas as she approached the cage door. But she held up one hand, and he slunk backward. Raia hadn’t heard her say a word.