A lump lodges in my throat when I realize what Julian was eyeballing when I entered. He has our matching wedding bands out of their boxes. He brought them with us so he could have them engraved by a jeweler down the street from our hotel. With everything that happened yesterday, we’ve yet to get them done.
After placing the rings onto a handwritten letter, Julian stands to his feet. He sways slightly like he’s still drunk, even though I’m confident he isn’t. His eyes are too alert to belong to a drunken man. “I’m going home.”
“Okay,” I push out, confused as to why he’s ending our trip early. We still have another two nights booked and paid for. “Give me a few minutes to get my things in order, then I’ll request for Fetu to bring the car around.”
I stop heading for the walk-in closet when he murmurs, “I’m not returning to New York. I’m going home. Back to California.”
“Oh… why?” My daftness is justified. Excluding last night, we’ve had an almost perfect relationship. “If it was what I said last night—”
“It wasn’t anything you said.” As he struggles not to respond to the tears welling in my eyes, he rakes his fingers through his ginger locks. He hates when I cry. “Do you remember when we watched The Notebook?”
Salty blobs almost fall from my eyes when I nod. “Much to your dislike.” That was the movie we watched when we went to the cinema as friends for the first time.
Julian smiles. It isn’t his full smile, but I’ll still take it. “At the end of the movie, you said something that didn’t resonate with me until last night. You said it wouldn’t have mattered who Allie ended up with because no matter what, Noah would always be her number one.” He licks his dry lips before continuing. “It didn’t make any sense to me. If Allie and Noah weren’t together, how could he possibly still be her number one.” His breathless chuckle is more pained than in glee. “Then, I saw you with Brandon, and I knew exactly what you meant. When you were panicked, I couldn’t settle you. Brandon could. When you run in fear, you run away from me as well. When Brandon ran, you wanted to run into the fire with him.”
Finally clueing in on where he’s taking our conversation, I say, “That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, Julian. I do. I love you.”
“I know,” he replies, his voice cracking. “And I love you too… but I’ll always be your number two.”
Tears topple down my cheeks when I shake my head, trying to deny a truth I’ve always known. “No, you won’t.”
“Yes, I will,” Julian immediately fires back. “When I placed a blanket over you and Brandon last night, I realized I deserve to have someone who’ll sleep sitting up to comfort me. I deserve to have someone who looks at me how you look at Brandon. I deserve to be someone’s number one, too.”
“You do,” I agree, nodding. “You deserve the world.”
I’m not lying. Julian is the perfect man. He just isn’t Brandon. Brandon was my first love, the man I loved before he was a man. I don’t see anyone ever being able to compete with that, but that doesn’t mean I also can’t feel guilt.
“I’m sorry, Julian. For the years wasted, for the pain. I never meant to hurt you.”
“No.” He bands his arms around me before pulling me in close to his fit body. “This isn’t on you, Mel. You never promised me anything you couldn’t give me.” He wipes away the tears streaming down my face before raising my chin to a position it doesn’t deserve to be in. “In all honesty, I just didn’t realize what I was missing out on until this weekend.” His smile shouldn’t be as comforting as it is, especially considering the circumstances, but for some strange reason, it is. “My campaign is probably a little long in the tooth, but I want to be selfish for just a moment.”
Aware his comment has nothing to do with his political dreams, I assure him, “Love isn’t selfish, Julian. Wanting to be loved unconditionally isn’t selfish.” I wipe under my nose with the sleeve of my shirt before squashing my ear to his chest. “It hurts thinking about you with anyone else, but the pain won’t be as bad if it gives you the happily ever after you deserve. I’m sorry that person couldn’t be