to settle for anything less than what she deserved. More than strong enough to raise an amazing kid on her own, run a successful business…and stand up to his stupid, arrogant ass.
Fuck, the woman was a goddamn miracle. And he wanted her so badly he couldn’t see straight.
He’d texted her first thing on Saturday morning, while he was still lying in bed with morning wood and the smell of her on his skin—and unlike before, she’d actually texted him back. In fact, they’d messaged each other all weekend long, and he knew she’d deliberately kept things light and easy for him.
They’d shared their favorite movies. His: Coppola’s The Godfather. Hers: Ritchie’s The Gentlemen.
Their favorite TV shows. His: The Sopranos. Hers: Stranger Things.
Their favorite bands. His: Foo Fighters. Hers: Muse.
Their favorite food. His: Lasagne. Hers: Nachos.
They’d also texted about everything from football (they were both avid fans) to politics and police reform, along with a lengthy discussion about the perfect place to vacation—His: Hawaii, for the surfing. Hers: Paris, for the museums. And while he hadn’t put it down in a message, he’d privately figured they could just take two vacations a year, since he knew she would be happy hanging out on a Hawaiian beach with Jase while he surfed, and he’d happily walk from one end of Paris to the other, visiting every museum they came across, so long as he got to be the man that was by her side, holding her hand.
But she hadn’t once asked him if he’d found a therapist to talk to…or if he even planned to.
And he hadn’t brought it up either.
Instead, they were in this weird limbo—where they talked about everything but what they really needed to be talking about, which was their fucking relationship—and he didn’t know how to get the hell out of it.
You could actually take her advice and find someone to talk to, a smart-ass voice drawled inside his head, and he cursed under his breath, drawing a weird look from Higgins, one of the other detectives, who happened to be walking by Paul’s desk at that exact moment. Higgins thankfully wasn’t the nosy type, so the guy just kept on walking, and Paul braced his elbows on his desk, before shoving his hands through his hair as he leaned his head forward, his chest so tight he was half-afraid he was having a fucking panic attack in the middle of the goddamn bullpen.
He told himself to calm the fuck down and chill, but the idea of spilling his guts to some stranger made him feel like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room.
And yet, the thought of watching Karin finally meet and fall in love with some other man who wasn’t emotionally stunted…
Fuck, there were no words for how panicked that made him feel.
And, hell, he couldn’t even blame his “closed down” attitude on a screwed-up childhood or unresolved trauma, because other than the disappointing end to his surfing career, he’d had a fucking golden life. Great parents, who had managed to be there for him and Sean even during the end of their marriage. He had the best brother and sister in the world, who put up with him even when he was a shit. Christ, they never even gave him a hard time for bailing out on the weekly “sibling dinners” that Peyton had started last year, and which he’d finally started going to. Natalie came along now too, and he enjoyed those nights to the point that he couldn’t understand why he hadn’t just gone to them from the beginning.
Then again, maybe he did know, and just hadn’t wanted to think about it. Because there was no denying, if he were being brutally honest with himself, that the only way he’d managed to deal with Dixon’s death had been by bottling shit up. And then, somewhere along the way, he’d adopted that silence as his coping mechanism. He’d even started pulling back from his mom and his sister. He’d only stayed close to Sean, and that was because his brother didn’t push him…and they spent most of their time out on the waves.
It had been a shit way to treat the people who cared about him, but he was working on it. And, Christ, he hoped like hell that he somehow got to the point where he’d be showing up at those weekly dinners with Karin and Jase on either side of him. Because it was where they belonged.
By his side.
In his family.
The most